The Gift of Singleness

Stop the madness...

2008-07-20T09:30:00.001-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: The times they are a-changing... but not soon enough for the single women who are still erroneously being advised to "wait on the Lord" for a husband!
Nooooo!!!
This is so wrong, and I pray that every woman who has been badly advised like this will find this blog and that God will feed the truth into their hungry mouths.
In a nutshell, there are not enough men in church circles for all the single women (and even the few that there are, are also being badly advised to "wait on the Lord" for a wife, so that they are dissuaded from being proactive. You really couldn't make it up).
Add to that the fact that the male/female ratio gets worse with age (eg. at the age of 40, there are 4 times as many women in the church as there are men) and you have the biological clock to add into the mix, it simply beggars belief that anyone would think advising a woman to "wait" was a good idea!
Ladies, get out into the world and marry a Godly man before it's too late for you to have a family of your own. You are not being sinful, as many in the church will tell you. Remember, the Bible says Christians should not be yoked with unbelievers. So be very careful about labelling a man as "not a Christian" and disregarding him as a potential husband, just because he may be put off by the idea of "church", associating it in his head with elderly ladies, homophobes and misogynists (or worse).
And please pass the word of this blog around to your single female friends too, and together let's stop the madness!

The Gift of Singleness is... Dead, Dead, DEAD!!!

2008-06-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: The words "He has triumphed victoriously" are spinning around in my head. And it's true. We are privileged to be part of a triumphant victory! The gift of singleness is well and truly dead, folks.
So grab a shovel and let's all help bury it!
Here are two shovels I can suggest:
Shovel One: Buy Debbie Maken's book, "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness". Read it, and encourage your friends to read it too. God's truths contained in it have the power to change your life, if you let it.
Shovel Two: Challenge your church leader about the lack of outreach to men. What's their excuse for only running ministries for women and children?
And of course as these two shovels dig away, single women will in the meantime be marrying the Godly, believing men that "the church" has chosen to ignore.
I am in a victorious mood tonight! Join with me and be glad, won't you?

THE GIFT OF SINGLENESS IS DEAD!!!

2008-04-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Well, actually, I'll leave it to Gortexgrrl, rather than "Captain Sensible", to write:

BREAKING NEWS -----

THE GIFT OF SINGLENESS IS DEAD!

After months of campaigning to have it removed from the remaining modern Bibles where it still occupies a place in 1 Cor 7:7, IT HAS FINALLY BEEN REMOVED FROM THE NEW LIVING TRANSLATION.

Check the online version for yourselves here.

Dr. Eugene Peterson at The Messsage has also agreed to do the same.

This is a tremendous victory, folks. Now the next task is to get the NLT to have the word "better" ("to remain as you are") changed to "good" in 1 Cor 7:8 (as it is written in most Bibles). Also, there are still some problems with The Message's version of Matthew 19:10-12. But for now, let's savour this moment and express thanks!

"I will sing to the Lord, for he has triumphed gloriously; the horse and his rider he has thrown into the sea"

Debbie Maken: The tide is turning!

2008-04-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Since the publication of Debbie Maken's "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness", the contemporary church's attitude towards singleness and marriage has indeed been rethought.
Errors that have quietly slipped in over the past 30 years have been revealed for what they are, and single men and women are rebelling against the false teaching about there being a "gift of singleness" and that singles should just "wait on the Lord" and are instead...getting serious about getting married.
Just two examples can be found here on Debbie's blog, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Darkness disappears as soon as light is shed on it, so I have faith that this false teaching will soon be eradicated completely.
Then single Christian men and women will be the joyful brides and bridegrooms that are synonymous with happiness, fruitfulness and blessing throughout the Bible.

Families are "the cells which make up the body of society", according to senior UK judge

2008-04-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: The front page of today's Daily Mail reports that Sir Paul Coleridge, the judge in charge of family courts across south-west England, will give a speech to family lawyers, describing family breakdown as a "cancer" behind almost every evil affecting the country. He warns that the collapse of the family unit is a threat to the nation that is as bad as "terrorism, street crime or drugs".
The 58-year-old judge, who has himself been married for 35 years and has two sons and a daughter, will say that: "Families are the cells which make up the body of society. If the cells are unhealthy or undernourished, or at worse cancerous and growing haphazard and out of control, in the end the body succumbs."
God's plan for humanity (otherwise known as the Creation Mandate: to marry, to have children, to work) seems to be increasingly acknowledged as the best way for society to function by various prominent figures and media commentators outside of the church.
But I wonder how the Body of Christ can be healthy and nourished if we ourselves continue to ignore God's commands, and instead extol the virtues of singleness and childlessness as a valid alternative lifestyle choice for men? (I say men, because this is almost never a choice made by women.)
Perhaps one example of the "haphazard" side effects of this cancer in the world, are the steps women are now being forced to take, if they do not wish to remain childless throughout life.
According to an article in the April issue of Red magazine ("Do dads have a sell-by date?"), the number of single women having IVF treatment has increased 2.5 times between the years 2000 and 2005. (Source: The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority) And these figures do not include the women who have the less costly, and less invasive IUI treatment.
The article goes on to state that at the Donor Conception Network (DCN), which supports the parents of donor-conceived children, a quarter of their 1,100 members are single women.
Olivia Montuschi of the DCN is quoted as saying: "I would say that 99.9% of so-called single mothers by choice, would have preferred to have the child in a relationship, but that is not how life has worked out for them. A number have been with long-term partners who wouldn't commit to having a child, so they've gone ahead on their own."
This post is not about the ethics of such treatment. Nor is it about the tragedy of so many children growing up without fathers - even when the conception is arrived at naturally - due to relationship breakdown, married or otherwise.
Rather it is about the dire effects of ignoring the marriage part of the creation mandate, whilst at the same time enabling men to have premarital sex (or if they are church-goers, probably primarily pornography), with no encouragement to find and commit to one woman and raise their own family.
We cannot impose our beliefs on society, but we can, and must, be salt and light.
As such, we need to stop kidding ourselves that single Christian men in their 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond are "gifted with the self control to remain celibate and that's wonderful, even though your lifestyle is actually no different to men that are able to accommodate a wife and family, in fact probably it is a lot worse".
But rather face the awkward fact that they are more likely gifted with an internet connection, which makes them to varying degrees addicted to pornography, warping their God-given sex drive, and so disincentivising them to find a wife, in a not dissimilar fashion to men in the world that are having regular sex.
If our church leaders can tear themselves away from overseeing a busy schedule of women's and children's ministries, they really should be focusing on the evils of pornography addiction for single men, before such a time that a stronghold sets in.
And again, I have to encourage single Christian women to look outside of church circles for a believing man to marry and have children with, before they get to the stage where a) they are in a desperate hurry due to God's design of the biological clock, and b) all the best of the men in the world are already snapped-up by women that were not badly advised to "wait" and "wait", for something that God has already told us to get on and do.

Marriage rates lowest since records began nearly 150 years ago

2008-03-30T04:34:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Amazing, isn't it? There has been blanket coverage in the UK about this, but to quote from just one (see link below): "The proportion of men and women getting married is below any level found since figures were first kept nearly 150 years ago. And the number of weddings held in 2006 was the smallest since 1895, when the population was little more than half its present level."
The article goes on to say that: "The evidence that marriage is withering away at an increasing pace was met with a furious response", with one researcher describing it as a "disaster" for society.
Even during the world wars, marriage rates were higher than they are now.
So we would assume that the church would be the leading light in defending marriage, right? Especially because even out of the few marriages that are occurring, two-thirds them are civil ceremonies!
Apparently not. Instead, the latest crackpot theory is that singleness is a gift because it causes suffering (God's gifts cause suffering now, in case you didn't know!), and that disciplines us, and so brings God glory.
You really couldn't make it up.
Thank God that there are people outside of the church that are willing to defend marriage.

Daily Mail article.

Recipe for success in business: Get married!

2008-03-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: The owner of ghd ("good hair day") hair products, Martin Penny -- whose company last year clocked up £120 million in sales and made a £26 million profit -- met his wife on a tennis court, was engaged three weeks later, and has now been married for nearly 29 years.
It is this "stability" that Penny thinks has been "vital" in his success as a businessman, according to an article in the Saturday Times magazine last week.

Saturday Times article (The relevant passage is seven paras down.)

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Just to wish everyone a very Happy Easter!
It's good to be happy today. Some days are like that of course - very happy or very sad. Most are somewhere in between.
The other night there was a brilliant full moon. But it was also a partly cloudy, and windy night. So the brilliance was sometimes masked by thin cloud, making all the light dim for a few seconds. Then it would be obscured by quite a dark cloud, and everything appeared very black. But that too would pass, and the brilliance was again revealed. The brilliance was there all along of course, it's just that it was difficult to see at certain times.
Thank God that we have that brilliant light, that has overcome the darkest of clouds. So even when we are experiencing a dark cloud, we have the assurance that the brilliance is still there. And even that brilliance, we "see through a glass, darkly".
So, thank you Lord Jesus Christ, and Happy Easter everyone!

Debbie Maken provides clarity amidst the confusion at Boundless

2008-03-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: At least we can rely on Debbie Maken to bring clarity amidst the confusion over at Boundless. Her no nonsense, straight-talking is just what confused singles need to hear at the moment. What they don't need is more muddle in the name of "fostering discourse". Since when did Jesus or Paul tolerate the spreading of false teaching, without correction, in the name of "fostering discourse"?
Here is Debbie Maken's comment in its entirety, as posted at Boundless, followed-up by two later postings. Some people may think Debbie's views on the "45 year old bachelor" in the last posting are harsh. But actually they are kind. Kind to women, who are the hapless victims of such 45 year old bachelors. But also, kind to the bachelor himself. Instead of affirming his sad state, Debbie's words may help him to focus on fixing the problem, instead of just pretending everything's ok when it clearly isn't:

"I am having a hard time understanding this campaign to make the term "marriage mandate" look like a dirty word in the conversation. Isn't it just the creation mandate to be fruitful and multiply? Perhaps it's me, but there does seem to be a concerted effort to constantly marginalize the marriage mandaters from the debate, make them look "cultic," and make a time-honored Christian ethic look like it is a fringe position, just because it questions the validity of bachelorhood of many professing Christians. I find these attempts to fracture those who are trying to reclaim certain forgotten truths in this discussion indicative of a spirit of "divisiveness," as opposed to a spirit of entertaining honest debate.

Moreover, I am not sure Martin Luther needs the colorful interpretations of his sermons regarding marriage from novice 21st Century theologians. Ultimately, his words speak for themselves, and they are quite clear. . . . "Apart from these three categories of eunuchs, let no man presume to be without a wife. . . ." To then say, as some have suggested, that Luther says nothing of people being "called to singleness," is intellectually dishonest. The exemptions are clearly outlined. If you don't fall into them, then get married. If Luther says that "not one in a thousand" falls into these exceptions, the emphasis is NOT on the "not" to suggest that Luther perhaps meant "more than one in a thousand." How opinions and tortured conclusions like these continue to receive Ted Slater's warm applause ("well said" of comment #28) baffles me.

This open-ended idea that people are somehow individually "called to singleness," just right up until the time they decide that they are called to marriage, is to give the creature a guilt-free, shame-free, spiritually-unquestionable license of pursuing marriage whenever and without any regard to the cost, either individually, or to the spouse one could have had, to the collective impact on the church and society.

There really is no "happy medium" of the marriage mandate position, where single Christians (especially the men) get to imagine that years spent being single are somehow good Christian living because they may have been "called to singleness" during that time (and of course, not taking matters into their own hands or others, hopefully for that matter, and doing something mildly productive). Somehow, we all believe that marriage is the universal norm for adults, and yet, are shocked that one might question or look askance at a bachelor and scratch their head. We want single people to have accountability of their singleness and the extension of their single years on their own terms without feeling any pinch whatsoever since we cannot know every one's peculiar individual situation. That is not accountability; that is man saying that he rules his life the way he sees fit under some spiritual carte blanche, and how dare others judge him for it. It really is not too far from the gays demanding tolerance from others because their "natures" are allegedly wired in this peculiar direction. Yet, Scripture is clear on both the conduct (abominable) and judgment and wrath on societies that tolerate this kind of perversion (Romans 1).

The question is not does Luther mandate marriage, which I would encourage the readers of this blog to look up Luther's own words in The Estate of Marriage in Luther's Works, Vol. 45, as found in Vol.2 of Christian in Society, ed. W.I. Brandt (Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1962). The question is does Scripture mandate marriage for the vast numbers of men and women. And do the creation ordinances of Genesis (and replenishment commands post deluge) mandate marriage in a way that children grow up and assume the mantle of adulthood by marrying a spouse of their youth and siring another generation so that they are counted among those who were told to "be fruitful and multiply"? Or does Scripture endorse an open-ended nonjudgmental marriage position that allows Christians to make personal choices according to their own unassailable conscience of when to marry, if to marry, and so on . . . ? It can't be both positions as a matter of logic. The patently inconsistent happy medium was already the self-contradictory song sung in most modern churches to the chagrin of most of its single women now suffering its consequences. And if Luther had agreed with the status quo of open-ended reading of I Corinthians 7 and private conscience driven singleness, we would have heard about these Luther sermons long before Getting Serious about Getting Married was published. We certainly did not need a theological giant from Trinity Divinity School (with the deafeningly silent backing of his professors) showing us how to reconstruct very simple words.

Is it just me, or does someone see some of these single male bachelor bloggers contrary position resemble a theological Monty Python-esque version of the Argument Clinic, with a latin term slipped in here or there for that air of wisdom, and always devolving to endless clarifications of didn't say that, didn't mean that, didn't address this . . . . all topped off with a "you don't understand the Sovereignty of God doctrine, you non-Reformed plebe."

There is nothing unusual or new about the marriage mandate position—generally understood, it is one that believes that marriage was instituted by God, is to be honored by all, is expected to be lived in as the norm for adult life, is a sacred duty for those to enter into during the season of youth, and the "rare" (to borrow Luther's word) exception is just that, "rare," and not be dwelt upon incessantly since it "rarely" applies, and such musings are only fancy sidetracking attempts to further add confusion to an area already scarred from misinformation. Consequently, those who choose to be and/or find themselves single without the biblical warrant for exemptions from marriage are in a spiritual no man's land and they are going to go without certain blessings because God is not required to bless outside of the boundaries He himself has instituted. If this viewpoint then raises some eyebrows as to why perfectly normal eligible bachelors go year after year being perennially single, it is a logical outflow, a necessary conclusion, and a good in and of itself, for it serves as an additional impetus to push those dragging their feet toward marriage.

Ultimately, there is no reason to castigate "the marriage mandate for the masses" crowd because the contrary position is a giant ball of self-contradiction. The author of the original article regarding Luther did an excellent job appreciating Luther's depth on this subject, and extrapolated exactly what Luther's own writings would indicate. However, many of your bloggers comments have sought to do the exact opposite in misdirecting the reader from what was actually written by Luther, and have sewn seeds of doubt on writings where there are no doubts. There is no common ground with these rogues because all we will see is lip service to the general rule drowning in an endless sea of exceptions that swallows/undermines the very rule. Boundless should not be an instrument or platform for this kind of sophisticated undermining of marriage in the name of fostering discourse."
Debbie Maken

Next posting:

"Sassy Sister: You misunderstand many of my positions; I assume that you have not read the book "Getting Serious About Getting Married." As self-serving as it may sound, I would really encourage you to read it because I think it will edify you in an unexpected way, and it will prevent you from jumping to certain conclusions.

Like you, I believe that Christian singles should live lives to the glory of God, which includes being sexually pure and helping their families and fellow man. And no one has advocated that young people enter marriages erratically, or without thought and consideration. The position of the marriage mandaters is that the creation mandate to "be fruitful and multiply" is written on the hearts of men. God has made us in His image, and that means like Him, we were made to create things that last forever-- like children. When culturally we fail to see that our children will one day be young adults, and that we should prepare them in all wisdom to be making their own colonies, we do both our children and the kingdom a great disservice. So, the choice has never been to enter marriage lightly and quickly, but to be making conscious/ wise choices all along one's youth so that marriage can be entered into during the proper season to fulfill its kingdom purposes.

The test for the Christian single is not go through life thinking/not thinking of marriage every waking moment, all the while somehow in some form "serving/ giving" to others. The test for the Christian single is to understand that living a life for the glory of God means that there is a blueprint the Maker has spoken into existence, and making choices to correlate with what He has revealed as to how our world ought to be ordered. He has unequivocally revealed to us that all of mankind (not just Christians) is required to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, and He said this, not once, but thrice: pre-Fall, post-Fall, and post Flood. Early and timely marriage is what achieves this explicit desire of the Lord. (See also Mal. 2:15: Why has the Lord made them male and female? He desires godly seed.) There is a grave difference between redeeming the time, and resigning onesself to a less than ideal fate just because marriage is not actualized. The book was written because the modern church has blurred this line, and most singles mistakenly believe that they should just accept their single by default status. Hence, these singles go about their "most fertile years" doing things that could be as easily done by a married couple, and do indeed "waste" those years by precluding in-wedlock children they could have had. In other words, today's single has no reason being single, like the third set of singles/"eunuchs for the kingdom" that Luther described as "willfully remaining single" for threatening kinds of missionary work that are unaccommodating to family life. The "eunuchs for the kingdom" are people like Paul and Barnabus. Our present day constructs of singles "serving and giving" hardly qualifies on that scale of sacrifice where we are exempt from the ordinance of marriage.

BDB, It is not that I Corinthians 7 does not apply to today's American singles. The problem is that the text itself is written conditionally, and the conditions for when it applies, simply do not exist today, such as famine in the countryside, or mass-scale persecutions. (See I Cor. 7:25: "because of the present distress . . . ). The unusual and difficult times made Paul advise his listeners that delaying marriage ("to spare [them] from worldly anxieties") was an acceptable outcome. This chapter speaks volumes to many Christians in the Sudan today who face similar perils and may be forced to make the same kind of ethical choices. For us here in America, it holds nothing but indictment. When we use verses like (I Cor. 7:6-7), where Paul says "I wish all men were like me (single), but each has his own gift," to suggest that (1) both marriage and singleness are equal, or (2) Paul was setting up his normative wish, we miss the point of the text, which is Paul saying that most men (without God's super-natural enabling) will not be able to exercise self-control in this area, and for that reason "it is better for them to marry than burn" (v.9) (See also v. 2: Let them marry). This was not Paul's statement of how he wished the normative should be any more than the term "all you can eat buffet" is a challenge. Again, many of these matters are better discussed in the book which expose the wrong understandings that modern Western Christians take from these passages, but to no avail.

Lastly, Adam, I have a legal verse for you. Exodus 20:16: Thou shalt not bear false witness. Maybe people could discuss things with you better if you could cross this hurdle."
Debbie Maken

Final posting:

"To that great theologian produced by Trinity Divinity School (with the deafeningly silent backing of his professors):

I am surprised. I thought you would inform the audience that in the Hebrew "neighbor" means someone who lives next door, so one can deconstruct, tell half truths, and interject strawmen (i.e. bear false witness) against those who do not live next door.

It's hard to take you seriously because you want to characterize perfectly substantive answers, as no answers, simply because you do not care for the answers. You want to raise specious questions like, "Where does Luther say rare?" (See your own blog). When you yourself quote Luther as saying "rare, not one in a thousand." (See comment #147). Please do not take Boundless' highly liberal posting policy of your intellectual garbage as an indicator of merit, but more of a "let a fool speak and remove all doubt."

Amir, Amir, Amir. What do I say to you? There are certain things that just speak for themselves. I have nothing to clarify or add about page 185 of the book. You got a 45 year old bachelor, go figure. Either a late bloomer, either was too picky, either consistently choosing poor quality women to date, either no effort, . . . at some point people need to take responsibility for where they are due to decisions/inactions they have made all along the way. The presumption of innocence that Anna did not indulge the 45 year old Christian male in is understandable, as well as her refusal to reward."
Debbie Maken

Pastor Dave Daniels: Singleness a "curse"

2008-03-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: At last, some good news! Thanks so much for the reader who flagged this up to me. Visit Keep the Faith and download the current issue (which will come up as a PDF). The relevant article is on page 22. (You can type 22 in the box on the top right hand corner and it will take you straight there.) It's a little tricky but well worth persevering. Why? Because he says things like this (my bold):

"One topic that will always cause heated discussion within the church community is the prevalence of Christian single women in the church compared to men, and the difficulties they experience in finding partners.

"One church leader, Dave Daniels, pastor at the People’s Christian Fellowship Church in Tottenham, north London, took note of these discussions and decided to do something to help the single people in his church find partners. He could see that female members were desirous of relationships that would lead to marriage but held little hope of it ever happening…

"Pastor Dave admits he doesn’t see the excessive amount of single people in churches as a necessarily positive thing. He explained, 'I could see people in our church were trying to cope with being single, but deep down there was a deep longing to be in relationship and hopefully enjoy married life someday. I also knew that if these believers were not in church, they would have no problem in developing a relationship with someone from the opposite sex. It was as if becoming a Christian meant signing a celibacy declaration FOR LIFE. This in my opinion was unacceptable. I basically told the church that this scenario was a curse. Eventually people started to recognise this. It took some time to persuade some people because the hurt of believing then being disappointed would be too much for them.'

"(T)his curse of ‘no possibility’ (of relationships) has to be broken…

"When all is said and done, Pastor Daniels, who has been happily married himself for several years, and had two daughters, thinks good Christian marriages send a positive message to society. 'It is a great witness to this world when our marriages are loving and strong,' he said. 'God created marriage and we are supposed to experience all the fruit of this blessed institution. Healthy Christian marriages can bring balance to our community and marriage is helpful in moulding the expectations of the emerging generations and can fill us all with a sense of hope.'"

Now read the entire thing!

Oh no!!!

2008-03-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: These are a bleak few days! The following announcement has appeared on Carolyn McCulley's blog:

"I just found out that my first book...is about to be published in Russian. My publisher, Crossway, has also negotiated agreements to publish in Czech, Korean, and Portuguese--as well as English in the Philippines. Here's to hoping my American girly humor translates well!"

So soon, Russian, Czech, Korean, Portuguese and Filipino women will be reading all about how to esteem the false "gift of singleness"...
Dreadful news!

"As men age, their fertility decreases and the health risks to their unborn offspring skyrocket"

2008-03-08T06:40:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: I have linked to this study before, but given the recent encouragement Ted Slater at Boundless is giving to men waiting until they are 40 to get married (and then to a woman much younger than themselves - as if most men could manage it!)... I think it's worth posting again!

Here is how the article begins, but you can read the rest here.

'Women have long understood that general fitness and age are both critical to conceiving a healthy child. But their partners often feel absolved of such concerns; men tend to think they can drink, carouse, smoke like coal trains, and conceive whenever they want, with no impact on fertility or their future offspring. Would that it were so.

"Everybody was familiar with the concept of women's biological clock, but when we introduced 'male' to the equation, the reaction was 'What are you talking about? Men can have children at any age,'" recalls urologist Harry Fisch, director of the Male Reproductive Center at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in New York City and author of The Male Biological Clock. "It became a social issue. Men do not like to be told they have a problem."

Nonetheless, a virtual tidal wave of recent research has made it irrefutable: Not only does male fertility decrease decade by decade, especially after age 35, but aging sperm can be a significant and sometimes the only cause of severe health and developmental problems in offspring, including autism, schizophrenia, and cancer. The older the father, the higher the risk. But what's truly noteworthy is not that infertility increases with age—to some degree, we've known that all along—but rather that older men who can still conceive may have such damaged sperm that they put their offspring at risk for many types of disorders and disabilities.

"Men thought they were getting off scot free, and they weren't. The birth defects caused by male aging are significant conditions that can cause a burden to families and society," says Ethylin Wang Jabs, professor of pediatric genetics at Johns Hopkins University and leader of a study showing the link between aging paternity and certain facial deformities in offspring. "We now know that men and women alike could be increasing the risk of infertility or birth defects by waiting too long to have children." In other words, by looking for perfection in your life before you conceive, there's a very real chance you'll have less perfect kids."

Studies worldwide have found that with each passing decade of their lives and with each insult they inflict on their bodies, men's fertility decreases, while genetic risk to offspring slowly mounts. The range of findings is staggering: Several studies have shown that the older the man, the more fragmented the DNA in his ejaculated sperm, resulting in greater risk for infertility, miscarriage or birth defects. Investigations out of Israel, Europe, and the United States have shown that non-verbal (performance) intelligence may decline exclusively due to greater paternal age; that up to a third of all cases of schizophrenia are linked to increasing paternal age; and that men 40 and older are nearly six times more likely to have offspring with autism than men under age 30. Other research shows that the risk of breast and prostate cancer in offspring increases with paternal age.

Fisch has found that when both parents are over 35, paternal aging may be responsible for as many as half of all cases of Down syndrome, formerly thought to be inherited from the mother. And recent studies show that half a dozen or more rare but serious birth defects appear to be inherited exclusively from the father, including Apert syndrome, Crouzon syndrome, and Pfeiffer syndrome (all characterized by facial abnormalities and the premature fusion of skull bones) as well as achondroplasia (the most common form of dwarfism).'

Read the rest of this article, entitled "A Man's Shelf Life" from Psychology Today by clicking here.

Carl Beech: "Band of brothers"

2008-03-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Excellent, inspirational words from Carl Beech in this Premier TV interview. Carl makes the interesting point that in many cases, men don't have close friendships. If they are married, then often, their best friend is really the husband of their wife's best friend. Who they may have nothing in common with whatsoever. But men love feeling part of a "band of brothers", and where better to find true, authentic friendships and comradeship than in church - brothers standing together, shoulder-to-shoulder?
Carl also mentions all those job advertisement for youth and children's pastors that fill the pages of Christian magazines. What about a men's minister? After all, lead a child to Christ, and in 3% of cases, he or she will end up bringing their whole family. Win a woman to Christ and in 17% she will bring her whole family. Lead a man to Christ, and in 93% of cases then he will lead his whole family!
What Carl Beech doesn't say is that we should sack every church leader in the country and basically start all over.
But I will...

Watch the interview with Carl Beech here.

Carl Beech on impact of gender imbalance in church on single women: "It’s a heartbreaking issue. Absolutely catastrophic."

2008-03-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Thanks to the anonymous for your help in flagging this up to me! I have copied your comment here:

"Here is the very beginning of the second part of Carl Beech's interview with Christianity magazine in the UK, this month:

John Buckeridge [interviewer and editor of Christianity magazine]: One consequence of the gender imbalance in UK churches is that women struggle to find a husband who is a Christian. You’ve been working with a group of Christian singles organisations. Were you able to help them?

Carl Beech: For single women it’s a heartbreaking issue. Absolutely catastrophic. I was working with ladies who are intelligent and goodlooking who are in their 30s and 40s, with no partners available for them at all."

Watch Carl Beech on Premier TV - part 2
Christianity magazine interview with Carl Beech - part 2

I commend Carl Beech for his comments, and his work with the movement Christian Vision for Men. I maintain that the right course of action for all single Christian women is to give your tithes to Christian Vision for Men, and look outside of church for a believing man that will make a good husband and provider for your children. And if you are in your mid-20s, you need to do it now, before you feel the pressure of the biological clock.
The church will tell you this is wrong.
Ignore them.
You are simply being a good steward of your fertility.
Besides, look at the state of the church in this country. Church leaders are doing a poor, poor job at the moment. They need to get their own house in order before judging you on your very necessary actions.

"You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions!"

2008-02-24T16:54:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Hmm, ignoring the creation mandate to be fruitful and multiply, in favour of following our culture's pattern of extended singleness?
Jesus' words here in Mark 7:9 seem particularly apt...

Interesting...

2008-02-16T07:36:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Following on from previous posts regarding the different faiths and their rates of marriage, I was interested (but sadly, not surprised) to find out that for Christian social events, it is a common occurrence to see "Female places sold out" for weeks or even months in advance, but "Male places still available" generally right up until the very night!
However, a dating site with Muslim socials, has exactly the opposite: "Males places sold out", but "Female places still available".
When is the church going to take the problem that single Christian women, uniquely, face?
Or perhaps more to the point, when are single Christian women going to stop allowing the church not to take it seriously?

Stop super-spiritualising singleness!

2008-02-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Looking at the various websites regarding singleness amongst Christians, I am again horrified by the super-spiritualising of singleness, which is in complete contrast to the Bible where it's a straightforward "go ahead and get married" approach.
Single women are told to check themselves over and over again for signs of discontentment, signs of making an idol out of marriage, signs of wanting marriage "for all the wrong reasons", signs of who knows what!
I wrote about this towards the end of last year in the post entitled: Minutely examining the vacuum cleaner to solve the problem of why the washing machine won't work.
Single Christian women, there is only one thing you need to "check" for.
Do a head count of the number of single men, compared to the number of single women in church circles.
If there is an imbalance in the numbers -- and there almost certainly will be -- then that's where the problem lies.
It's really not with you at all, so please stop all your spiritual navel-gazing, because it is only an unhealthy distraction which gets you no nearer to your Godly goal of getting married -- even though it misleads you into thinking it does.
Hence, it's another tactic of the deceiving enemy.

"Maybe I'm not enough?"

2008-02-14T00:40:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: I think one of the dangers of Valentine's Day for singles is that they feel they are "not enough". That somehow they don't deserve a husband or a wife and children of their own. This is simply not true. God's blessings don't work that way.
Don't let a sense of inadequacy keep you from seeking, finding and keeping the love of your life.
Enjoy this lovely little track by my favourite band of the moment, The Feeling. It's not the official video, but it is very poignant. Remember, you are "enough" and you are worth loving and worthy of giving love back.

The Feeling: Fill my little world

Carl Beech, Christian Vision for Men: "No Man's Land"

2008-02-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

Interview with Carl Beech about the lack of men in church, and what we can do about it.
Click here: Carl Beech.

Why are we Christians so stupid?

2008-02-10T07:28:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Really. It's a serious question. Sometimes it can be easy to forget, when you are having an otherwise apparently reasonable conversation, just how stupid we are really being.
Can you imagine a Muslim woman being scolded for wanting to be a wife and mother, and warned that she is "making an idol" out of marriage, and how she should just forget about marriage and babies and learn to be content?
Can you imagine Islamic leaders allowing the mosques effectively to be run by women, for women, and focusing their main weekly activities on fun and games for the children?
Honestly!
It makes you wonder how many contemporary Christians it would take to change a lightbulb.

Three women to wonder whether or not it is God's will for the lightbulb to be changed.
Two women to argue that we should just wait on the Lord, and he will provide a working lightbulb in His timing.
Two women to advise that we should just pray about the situation.
One hysterical woman saying that we should learn to be content with the "gift of no light" as God must be trying to teach us something whilst we scrabble around in the darkness.
One man to freak out in fear at the thought of having to actually do something that might be a little bit scary.
And one woman who decides that she really cannot be doing with this any longer, and so takes herself off to another room where there is a lightbulb that is, actually, working! (Frieda Fruitcake adds: "This sinful sister is obviously trying to get ahead of God's perfect timing for the "gift of light", and is impatient with what God must be trying to teach her in this "season" of darkness. As she has taken her focus off the Lord and is instead "making an idol" out of lightbulbs, she will miss out on "God's best", which may, or may not, mean living her entire life in the dark. Thus sayeth the contemporary church.")

Debbie Maken on Kingdom expansion

2008-02-10T03:05:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: The below quote forms part of an interview with Debbie Maken, conducted about a year ago, with Spiraluniverse. In light of the Archbishop of Canterbury's recent remarks, it seems appropriate to highlight it here. We Christians really are shooting ourselves in the foot by ignoring the creation mandate and inventing a "gift of singleness". (And it's not like we're doing a great job of evangelising either, what with ignoring men entirely and focusing on children's playtimes and women's coffee mornings...)

"I believe that you have picked up on something about kingdom expansion that seems almost lost or foreign to this generation of Christians, namely that the kingdom increases by both siring children through holy wedlock and through regeneration of those who would normally be outside the fold. This is not an either-or proposition. Many who do missionary work, and do it effectively, are families. Siring children and raising them in the admonition and nurture of the Lord is not only required to fulfill the 'Be fruitful and multiply' command, but it is one of the most predictable ways to create kingdom members because God honors his covenants, especially the covenant of the family. Converting those outside of the Christian faith is worthwhile, but a more 'hit or miss' event. But 'disciple making' should begin at home and work itself outward.

"The major problem is that Christians are too busy rationalizing protracted singlehood by inviting singles to go down the path of inventive missionary work, when we should be telling them to use this special season of youth/vigor to get married and create children, for the window of fertility is actually quite small, but evangelism can be accomplished in virtually every station of life. The pains of these decisions to misdirect Christian singles will more acutely be felt a generation from now, when the godly seed that is needed to carry on, simple isn’t there, and certain heathen populations have outnumbered us and inflicted their value system on us."

Read the rest of the interview here, but please note, you have to click "Next Question" each time, as it is posted over several pages! Interview with Debbie Maken

"...the wife of your youth."

2008-02-09T03:30:00.000-08:00

"Young Muslim adults were more likely to be married (22 per cent) than were young people from any other religious background...Christians and those with no religion were the least likely to be married – 3 per cent of 16 to 24 year olds in each group."

Captain Sensible writes: Having a "wife of your youth" (mentioned five times in the Bible, I believe) probably means you are both Muslim. You are least likely to be Christian.
So with Muslims getting married younger, and having more children, did the Archbishop of Canterbury, the head of the Church of England, receive a word of prophesy when he said that the UK’s adoption of "some aspects" of Sharia law was "unavoidable"? (More on that later when I have got my head around it!)

Read more: National Statistics: Marriage patterns

"As for me and my house..."

2008-02-09T02:50:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Well, if it's Muslim, Sikh or Hindu, it is more likely to contain children, and less likely to contain just one person...

Read more: National Statistics: Focus on Religion

"Nothing in Scripture negates the creation mandate to be fruitful and multiply or the status of children as evidence of God's blessing."

2008-02-04T09:42:00.001-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: So says Candice Watters in a Q&A session on the Boundless blog. Her excellent book: "Get married: What women can do to make it happen", again speaks of the creation mandate - which God did not issue with an expiry date!
Getting this message out at a time when marriage is under serious threat from within the church, quite aside from our culture, is crucial, and Candice's brave, counter church-cultural stance is commendable.
Allowing false teaching to be spread through the actual blog, however, is not.
Galatians 2:11-13 shows Paul publicly rebuking Peter for just the appearance of wrong teaching, as he began to separate himself off from the Gentiles out of fear of "certain men":

"When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray."

I hope the Boundless editor, Ted Slater, is not separating himself off from "creation mandators" because of a fear of men?

"We have managed to transform marriage, the most basic and universal of human institutions, into something controversial"

2008-02-03T03:08:00.000-08:00

"In America over the last 30 years, we’ve done something unprecedented. We have managed to transform marriage, the most basic and universal of human institutions, into something controversial."

Captain Sensible writes: That's how the book "The Case for Marriage" by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, opens.
And the church (here in the UK as well as in the States), the Body of Christ that should have been a steady rock during these culturally turbulent times for marriage, has been woefully in error, twisting Scripture to meekly follow our culture these past 30 years.
The book points out that "(V)irtually every study of happiness that has ever been done has found that married men and women are happier than singles".
No wonder then that singles find it so hard to reach that singleness nirvana that is promised to them, if they can only stop making an idol out of marriage!
I have not yet read the book myself, but the editorial review on Amazon, reads as follows:

"The wages of the married are high, commitment is good for the libido, and, despite 30 years of arguments to the contrary, happiness may just depend on reciting the wedding vow, according to Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher. After sifting through the evidence and conducting their own studies, the authors conclude that marriage is beneficial and transformational, and that neither cohabitation nor swinging singledom are all they're cracked up to be. In fact, it turns out that marriage is a public heath issue: being single can take almost 10 years off a man's life, while wifely nagging really is good for his health. Getting and keeping a wife can also increase a man's income as much as an education...So, what does threaten marriage? For one, the insecurity engendered by the cultural acceptance of divorce. Couples are now less willing to invest fully in each other, the authors write, while 'commitment produces contentment; uncertainty creates agony.' Cultural indifference towards marriage is the other big downer. Because marriage is a public commitment, it can 'work its miracles only if it is supported by the whole society.' Not surprisingly, divorce gets a very bad rap as Waite and Gallagher pull out the heavyweight facts, particularly when it comes to its effect on children. The good news, though, is that marriage is resilient -- five years down the road most couples who considered but resisted divorce found that they were happy again."

Smug, "married by the age of 21", Christians may point the finger at the words “cultural indifference towards marriage” and tut, but what else is it that the church has been preaching this last generation? “Singleness is a gift. Marriage is a gift. You must be equally content with either.” If that’s not indifference towards marriage, I don’t know what is. (Debbie Maken gets it right – again – when she pointed out in an interview that the contemporary church is only "pro-marriage" and "pro-family" for those already in marriages and families! It isn't for singles!)
And it's with wry amusement that I note the line: "Commitment produces contentment; uncertainty creates agony." No wonder singles -- women especially, as they are more commitment-orientated naturally -- find it agonisingly impossible to "be content with singleness". I believe it is actually a sin to even try, as it ignores the creation mandate to be fruitful and multiply. The contentment in the Lord that Paul wrote about does not mean being content to allow a bad situation to continue when it is in our power to do something about it.
It's also interesting that the authors note that marriage can "work its miracles only if it is supported by the whole society."
But we are now in the desperate position that our culture is beginning to move on and recognise after all the benefits of marriage, while unrepentant pastors are still trying to preach that singleness is a gift!
Toby Young, associate editor of The Spectator, writes: “In a book called The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher point out that 90 per cent of married men alive at 48 will still be alive at 65, whereas only 60 per cent of 48-year-old single men will make it to retirement age. Married men are half as likely as single men to commit suicide and single men drink twice as much. Perhaps most alarmingly — at least for bachelors — a married man with heart disease can expect to live an average of 1,400 days longer than a single man with a healthy heart.”
Hmm – maybe that depends on one’s definition of a "healthy" heart? My post “Not good” for man to be alone shows how the isolation of singleness can lead to an early grave for men: "Pity the poor, lonely bachelor, living in fear of commitment in favour of 'keeping his options open' for decade after decade, and being lied to by Christians who tell him that, contrary to the Biblical command to be fruitful and multiply, he is living a fine and Godly life by remaining single throughout his 20s, 30s, 40s and then, ooops, he drops down dead from loneliness..."

(Ted Slater take note: You are doing neither single men, nor single women, any good by trying to distance yourself from those horrid "marriage mandators" like Candice Watters, and allowing the comments on your blog to spread false teaching. You have been placed in a position of influence where you could do a lot of good. Now is the time to step up and do it. You will not be able to wring your hands and plead ignorance when the day comes that you have to give account of your editorship at such a crucial point in time, when marriage was under severe threat from not just our culture but also the church.)

Welcome to the new McChurch!

2008-02-02T11:17:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the McChurch!
Plenty of fun to be had for all the family! From mums and babies, to tots and teens!And there's lots for the older youth too!
Everyone welcome!
(Except grown men. They're scary!!!)

Captain Sensible writes: Be honest. Doesn't the above sound very familiar? (Except for the last line of course. That's the hidden truth that church leaders like to keep secret. Well it's not a secret any more!) In case anyone thinks the idea of McChurch is unnecessarily harsh, it was actually inspired by the David Murrow (author of "Why Men Hate Going To Church") quotes below. Isn't it true that: "The great majority of ministry in Protestant churches is focused on children, next on women, and then, if there are any resources left, on men...(T)oday's kids-first church is a radical departure from Christianity's historical mission. Keep in mind that neither Sunday school nor youth ministry even existed two centuries ago. In those days, kids were loved, but they weren't the focus of church. Today they are...The McDonald's approach feels right to women because it lavishes ministry resources on her top priority: her children."
Think about it in relation to your own church.
Are you investing in a McChurch?

Be passionate!

2008-02-01T17:58:00.001-08:00

"Successful people are not necessarily more gifted; they're just more passionate. What do you pray about? Cry about? Dream about? What are you willing to risk everything for? That's the well from which you'll draw your strength and your strategies when you experience setbacks, when others disappoint you, when the job feels too big and you feel too small."
UCB's Word for Today.

Debbie Maken and Candice Watters

2008-01-31T00:21:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Anyone stuggling with wondering if marriage is God's will for them, or -- heaven forbid -- if God has given them the gift of singleness, you can stop it right now! Read Debbie Maken's "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness", and Candice Watters' "Get Married: What women can do to help it happen". (And don't forget the archives on this blog too...!)

"At this very moment it is obviously not God's will that I be married because I am not"

2008-01-30T00:13:00.001-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Just a reminder people, beliefs such as the above bear absolutely no relation to the Christian faith.
They may be comforting in a stupefying, mind-numbing way. But they are based on lies, not truth. So the source of such "theology" is not God, but the father of lies.
Have nothing to do with such thoughts.

David Murrow: If Jesus had intended women and children to be the primary focus of the church, He would have set up a women's circle and Sunday School

2008-01-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: In anticipation of the David Murrow talks, I began flicking through his book, "Why men hate going to church" again.
So much good stuff in there, but he hits the nail squarely on the head with regard to the primary focus of the contemporary church being women and children.
I have had enough of churches behaving badly: Lazy church leaders, programme after programme of children's ministries (overseen usually by an overly-influential Pastor's wife) and cosy women's meetings to share their feelings (except of course if any of the women are single, in which case the married mothers come down very hard and scold them for discontentment).
How has the Christian faith come down to this? It's become a "living room" and "playroom" faith.
Here are a few extracts from Murrow's book:

"The great majority of ministry in Protestant churches is focused on children, next on women, and then, if there are any resources left, on men."

"It's important to reach young people with the good news, but today's kids-first church is a radical departure from Christianity's historical mission. Keep in mind that neither Sunday school nor youth ministry even existed two centuries ago. In those days, kids were loved, but they weren't the focus of church. Today they are."

"The McDonald's approach feels right to women because it lavishes ministry resources on her top priority: her children and grandchildren...Many studies have shown a sharp drop-off in church attendance as soon as kids leave the nest."

"What's wrong with the women-and-children-first focus of today's church? After all, men aren't very interested. Why should Christians knock themselves out to minister to men? Simple. Because Jesus did. Jesus did not focus His ministry on children, or women for that matter. Jesus' approach was men first...His example is clear: if we want to change the world, we must focus on men...Jesus knew that men play an indispensable role in His body. When men are absent or anemic, the body withers."

A withered body. Isn't that what this focus on women's and children's minstry has created? Isn't it time it stopped?

What Pastors won't tell single Christian women...

2008-01-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

"Single men from ages 18 - 35 are the demographic group least likely to attend church."
("Why men hate going to church" David Murrow)

Can you have a "Creation Mandate" without a "Marriage Mandate"?

2008-01-22T21:17:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: If the creation mandate is "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it", then does that not include both a "marriage mandate" and "work mandate" (assuming you are fit and able and not any form of eunuch)?
Surely God requires mankind to marry, raise Godly families and partake in some form of work to manage His creation?
Once again, I am happy to be a marriage mandator (and a work mandator - but that part doesn't seem to attract any argument! Maybe because Paul warns us about a time when -- through the teachings of demons -- marriage is forbidden. But he doesn't warn us about a time when work is forbidden!).

"Ross Kemp in Afghanistan"

2008-01-21T14:03:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: I have just been watching the remarkable TV documentary, Ross Kemp in Afghanistan.
We are rightly very proud of our armed forces in Britain, and watching this programme made me realise just how very brave, strong and courageous our soldiers really are. (And Ross Kemp too, come to that.)
In light of the forthcoming David Murrow talks, it again highlights how desperately the Body of Christ also needs an army of men.

David Murrow, author of "Why men hate going to church" in the UK!

2008-01-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

If you are in the UK, don't miss this opportunity to hear David Murrow, author of "Why men hate going to church".
For more info, visit: Christian Events

"Not good" for man to be alone...

2008-01-20T19:22:00.001-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: I think I may have written on this study before, but it doesn't hurt to provide a reminder that God is proved right, yet again!
A recent study involving almost 67,000 men and women in the United States, shows that single men are significantly more likely to die early than those who marry.
Academics found that men who were bachelors between the ages of 19 and 44 were 58 per cent more likely to die up to the age of 50 than their peers who were married and living with their spouse.
What I find particularly interesting is that common sense "risky" behaviours could not entirely explain the differences.
Rather, it actually seems to boil down to aloneness...
Prof Robert Kaplan, whose findings are published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, said remaining single was linked with "more severe isolation".
"Having never married may be associated with more severe isolation because it is associated with greater isolation from children and other family members.
"Accumulated evidence suggests that social isolation increases the risk of premature death," he added. "Marriage is a rough proxy for social connectedness."
Pity the poor, lonely bachelor, living in fear of commitment in favour of "keeping his options open" for decade after decade, and being lied to by Christians who tell him that, contrary to the Biblical command to be fruitful and multiply, he is living a fine and Godly life by remaining single throughout his 20s, 30s, 40s and then, ooops, he drops down dead from loneliness...

"Don't worry about failing, worry about what you're going to tell God if you don't even try! "

2008-01-15T15:25:00.001-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: I like the above, which comes from the Word For Today (for tomorrow!).
Fear of failure is so debilitating and destructive.
So stop it! ;-)
And go for it, instead! :-)

Single Christian Women Must Evangelise For Their Husbands

2008-01-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Just a reminder, ladies (and this is for those of you aged 25 upwards, primarily!).
No one else in church will tell you this, but I will (and I am ready to meet my Maker over it).

Facts:
* There are not enough single men in the church to go around.
* Churches are only interested in unchallenging women's and children's ministries, so they are not even trying to address this imbalance (which has huge implications, and not just for single women that rightly desire marriage!).
* You don't need to further "prepare" to be married.
* You don't need to battle for contentment with singleness.
* You are not "making an idol" out of marriage (Hint: It's the way God designed women).
* You don't need to feel bad because you need to make a living and so have a job/career (yes, idiots on US singles websites are actually spouting a lot of nonsense about this).

What you do need to do is look outside of church to meet a man to marry. There is no more time to waste, if you are 25+.
Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with you. (I'm not saying you're perfect! We are all in the process of conforming to the likeness of Christ. But I would say it was highly unlikely that the reason you are unmarried is because you have oh so much more work to do on yourself! Don't let yourself be put down like that any more. Single Christian women have suffered enough abuse, and it has to end here and end now.)
So look outside church, for a man to marry, and do it without delay.
There is no more time to waste "waiting on the Lord" when actually, the reality is that the Lord is waiting on us to get our churches straight, and align us to His design for marriage as set out in the Bible.
I am sick and tired of seeing women despairing over their singleness.
There is no need for it.
Find a good man in the world to love, help and encourage and let your life be an example to him and the world.
It can be brutal out there - but not as brutal as lifelong singleness, so be "bold and very courageous"!

Benefits to the devil (the "destroyer") of Christian singleness

2008-01-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

New additions to this post have been made!

(This is of course distinct from a purposeful decision to renounce marriage for dedicated celibate service that would be incompatible with a spouse and family, or those that are physically or mentally unable to marry. By the way, sorry, but I do not believe this includes single women who, because of the male/female ratio in church, have not been able to marry!)

Barren singleness is in direct contrast to the creation mandate to be fruitful and multiply – what could be more demonic?

God uses the analogy of marriage and family relations to describe His relationship with us. Again, what could be more demonic than the direct opposite of this?

Frequently throughout the Bible the example of “bride and bridegroom” is used to illustrate well-being, joy and blessings. Contrast that with the curse of “maidens having no wedding song” and barrenness.

More married people serve in church than singles (29% of married people served in the church in past seven days, as compared to 14% of never married people – Barna 2003, as shown in Candice Watters’ “Get Married”).

Most singles, far from having an undivided devotion to the Lord, do not spend their free time in ways that are distinguishable from singles in the world (Candice Watters’ “Get Married”).

Sexual sin, including pornography addiction.

Single Christian women and men being unfruitful, and bad stewards not only of their bodies, but their lives. Single women become depressed; single men become increasingly selfish and obsessive over their hobbies.

Instead of looking outwards and finding a believer in the world to marry, and getting on with being salt and light, single Christian women are made to feel sinful and expend vast amounts of time and energy in the useless battle to “be content” with singleness, fearful that they are “making an idol” out of marriage, and agonising whether they have been given the “gift of singleness”.

God is woefully misrepresented whenever anyone tells a single woman that singleness -- however long it lasts and even if it means barrenness -- is "God's will" for them. This can have the effect of making single women angry at God, instead of the false teaching that is at the heart of it, and so some women may struggle with disbelief in a God whose "will" seems so contrary to His design. They may even wonder if they are a "real" Christian, because they are not joyously content all the time (so misrepresented has the Christian faith become), and so they conclude they are not "spiritual" enough, are far too "worldly" and may even doubt their salvation, causing them to turn away from God.

It is obvious to the world that it is harder for a single Christian woman over the age of 30 to get a date from a Christian man (never mind get married!), than it would be for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle! (This is despite the fact that Christian women who come into contact with men generally are frequently asked out, but they always refuse if he is not a church-attending Christian!) Women in the world understand their need for a spouse, and so becoming a Christian can be perceived as having to renounce marriage and embrace childless singleness. Marriage and family now apparently belong to the world of darkness? (For more info on this, see the comments!)

One of the reasons single Christian men can't/won't outreach to men may be because to men in the world, these ageing, celibate, virgins are not seen as "salt and light" with a lifestyle to emulate, but rather as probably homosexual but being "hypocritical" Christians, most likely in denial about it.

Continual "mini-marriages" which end in "mini divorces" take their toll over the years, damaging hearts and distracting single Christians from leading a settled, mature and responsible life. This is especially so when the business of "finding a mate" goes far beyond the limited season it is designed for, and extends for many years - decades even - into adulthood instead.

By making women feel like it is sinful to desire a Godly husband, church leaders are not being challenged by anyone on their shameful fear of outreaching to men. The church is gradually having the masculinity removed from it, by the destroyer, and nobody is batting an eyelid. Although of course the Body of Christ as a whole is weakened by this, the people most directly affected from within the Body (aside, I mean, from the men in the world that are being criminally neglected!) are the single Christian women, and they are effectively being shut-up by false theology!

The church of the future may be distracted by looking after the aging singles that have little or no family to care for them, taking time, energy and money away from the fulfilment of the Great Commission

A lack of Godly children populating the earth, particularly in the richer nations.

Women tempted into marrying unbelievers (note I say “unbelievers” which I take to mean atheists or men of other faiths. This does not mean “non church-goers"!).

A gradual dishonouring of marriage has crept into the church, delighting the destroyer. Because single women are feeling increasingly distressed in their plight, they are being tempted to dishonour marriage, just to make them themselves feel better. "It's better to be single than to wish you were!" is just one of several common platitudes that are innocently bleated out. But how innocent is it really, and what excuse do married people have for saying it? Marriage is honourable and should be held in high esteem by everyone, single and married alike. The destroyer is delighted every time someone dishonours marriage, chipping away at God's good plan.

(Please note, this was a quick list that I felt was necessary to post. It may be revised and refined in the future! Particularly if the Lord reveals any other benefits to the devil that may have been omitted at this stage!)

Candice Watters: "Get Married: What women can do to help it happen"

2008-01-05T04:00:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: This book arrived this morning - miraculously quickly as it happens! Usually books like this take about three weeks to arrive on this side of the Atlantic. This took about three days!
Anyway, I am sure it will be a good read, and having read the first few pages, I am encouraged, and I will no doubt be posting on it again.
However, it got off to a very, very bad start.
In the acknowledgements, Watters thanks (amongst others, and admittedly in last place), the queen of the damaging books on Christian singleness, Carolyn McCulley.
Yes, the same Carolyn McCulley whose (publicly unrepentant) views have done so much harm to the Body of Christ, and caused endless Christian women to agonise over whether or not they have the "gift of singleness", and if by desiring marriage they are "making an idol" out of it, and encouraged them to spiritually beat themselves up with an on-going struggle to "be content" with a state that God Himself said was "not good".
The same Carolyn McCulley that has now embarked on a new campaign against "feminism", even though McCulley is in fact probably the most extreme feminist on earth! Not many women, even the most apparently driven "career woman" in the secular world, would say that they don't need a man!
Given that the early signs of the Watters book are encouraging, and appear to completely oppose everything that McCulley has ever stood for, I wonder what exactly she has to thank McCulley about? For the harm that she has done, so that Watters is able to fulfil a lifetime ambition to write a book in an attempt to put it right? No, I believe Watters to be more sincere than that, and I await with interest to see if McCulley is quoted at all.
It appears to boil down to a personal friendship and maybe Watters didn't want McCulley to feel bad.
Such misguided compassion. I fear that such a thank you in the acknowledgements will only confuse single Christian women further. Maybe they have read McCulley's book, and they then read Watters' book, which proposes a completely different standpoint, but also pays tribute to McCulley, thereby apparently simultaneously endorsing her contradictory views, all in the same breath?
Anyone remember the American comedy series Soap?
"Confused? You will be!"

Women Content with the Gift of Singleness - Simply Brilliant!

2008-01-05T02:13:00.000-08:00

The following quote from A.N.Other blog (which is in quote marks within a comment, so the writer was not being serious!) could have come straight from the mouth of Caroly..., sorry, Frieda Fruitcake:

"See, I'm fulfilled. I'm in a book club. Really, I'm content. Except when I cry at night. Or have to face the office Christmas party. Or hold someone else's child and think of the children I will most likely never have. But I'm fine. I have peace."

"Marriage in and of itself is not wrong"

2008-01-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

From a comment left on A.N.Other blog

Captain Sensible writes: What does this extract from a comment say about contemporary Christianity that someone felt the need to say this in the first place?

"Hope 2008" - Hopelessly misguided?

2008-01-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Within Christian circles in the UK, something called "Hope 2008" has been receiving a lot of publicity. It's being billed as a big opportunity for outreach. Yet just a cursory glance at the website, fills me with despair, not hope!
Women! Children! Youth! The Elderly!
What is there that will appeal to MEN? Not much, is the dismal answer.
Just look at the publicity that churches in Bristol are sending out (Click here and then there is a link to a PDF via the words "check out"). It's incredible. The main image is in soft focus, and shows a woman holding a small plant. There then follows a list of courses and activities for, well what do you know? Almost exclusively women, children, youth and the elderly. And this is being flagged up as an exemplary model?
How many men are going to be drawn to a leaflet that shows a woman in soft focus holding a plant?
What genius thought that was a good idea?
Seriously, why is it that the church has decided to ignore men? Is it a spirit of fear? Laziness? Cowardice? What? Did the early church busy themselves with family fun days, women's meetings and children's ministries, and ignore outreach to men? Can you imagine the Apostle Paul saying that what the Body of Christ really needs is a bouncy castle? Didn't he emphasise outreach to fathers instead, and then expect the fathers to lead their whole household?
Albert Einstein famously said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Since 1980, there has been a drop of around 50% in men in their 20s (Christian Research). Carry on as we are, and soon there won't be any men left to outreach to other men anyway.
Perhaps the best "hope" for the Body of Christ in the UK is to abandon "the church" completely? Is it possible to keep your sanity if you don't?

"Less than one per cent of the 26 million men in the UK attend church regularly"

2008-01-01T14:33:00.000-08:00

Carl Beech, national director of Christian Vision for Men.

Captain Sensible writes: Please, please, please, do NOT be intimidated by your church leader! If he (or she - but I would hesitate to even recommend anyone staying in a church run by a woman!) insists on neglecting to outreach to men in favour of women's and children's ministries -- well, frankly they deserve to be sacked. And they certainly shouldn't be receiving any more of your tithes to further squander.

2008: A year of anger, rebuke and rebellion?

2008-01-01T02:53:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: It doesn't sound very "Christlike" does it? Pronouncing a year of anger, rebuke and rebellion. Well, think again. Jesus didn't come to earth as some "meek and mild" hippy that contemporary Christianity feels safe with. It's time to put away such childish things. As Paul Coughlin writes in No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women And Children, Jesus wasn't "nice", He was/is "good".
We should all stop trying to be nice and instead embrace being good. And, as Jesus and people throughout the Bible show, that sometimes means getting angry, rebuking bad or cowardly behaviour and rebelling against the comfortable, cosy, status quo.
I like this passage on Amazon from a review of the Coughlin book:
'It's the author's contention that male believers have fallen prey to passivity, and also follow an emasculated parody of Christ. His strong face-offs against the Pharisees and other confrontational moments are ignored. Instead, today's "gentle Jesus" kind of man shows no emotion and has no backbone. Many believe that it's better to be a "Christian Nice Guy" (CNG) for the sake of "harmonious fellowship." Rebuke is labeled as "unloving," so people are allowed to continue along harmful paths without needed correction. Risks are avoided in favor of "praying about it first," so crucial ministries go unfilled. And Christian men seeking to be equally yoked are labeled as "predators" by sisters who consider dating a swear word.'
Be prepared to be unpopular at your church in 2008. Be prepared to be rebellious. Be prepared to receive erroneous contentment lectures. Be prepared to be treated worse by other Christians than you would be in the world. Be prepared to "do church" in a different way, if need be. Be prepared to have one or two allies only at best. Be prepared to be a target for the enemy (so be careful about embarking on this unless you are strong in your faith, steadfast in your commitment to the Lord, and disciplined in your expression of it in terms of regular prayer times and Bible reading!) Then choose to be part of a global movement for change in 2008!
Exciting, isn't it? (And maybe you felt sad at the turn of the year, believing in your heart that the new year would probably just bring the same old, same old... Ha! That's what the enemy wants you to believe! Think again, my friends, think again!)

Happy 2008 - London style!

2008-01-01T02:49:00.000-08:00

The London fireworks

"There can be miracles, when you believe"

2008-01-01T02:20:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: For anyone who feels like they need a miracle, X-Factor winner -- the lovely Leon Jackson -- sings the winner's song beautifully.
There can be miracles, when you believe.
Not putting your faith in yourself, as the song seems to imply, but in our infinitely greater, loving Father.
Never give-up believing, never give-up praying, never give-up trusting, and when the situation seems hopeless, never give-up on a miracle.

X-Factor winner Leon Jackson

New Year's Revolution!

2007-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Whatever else you resolve to do, or not do, this coming year, let 2008 be the year that you stopped wondering if you have the "gift of singleness" or if it is "God's will" that you marry.
You haven't, and it is.

"Despair and anguish" at Christmas for Madeleine McCann's parents

2007-12-22T02:25:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Spare a prayer this Christmas for Madeleine McCann and her parents. And of course all those suffering any kind of grief at this wonderful, but strange, time of year.
Some of us will be able to give a tremendous joy offering to our Saviour. For others, I liken it to the poor widow, whose small offering was all she could manage, but she gave all she could. And that meant much, much more.

Christmas message for Madeleine McCann

Christians denigrating marriage

2007-12-16T15:51:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Anyone else noticed this? I don't just mean equating marriage to the invented "gift of singleness".
I think I mean singles (women especially) that have been brainwashed into convincing themselves that they actually don't particularly want to get married (like in a "sure it would be nice, but I want to focus on pleasing God" kind of way - as if marriage isn't a way God has created to do just that!).
Singles that have been brainwashed into thinking that desiring marriage is dangerous idolatry and in some way in competition to serving Him - like it's an either/or proposition.
I think I especially mean singles that caution against making a bad marriage whenever subject comes up. Like they find it comforting that a number of marriages do break down and they almost smugly (or even, in a barely-disguised manner, gleefully?) talk about people they know that have got divorced.
I really think we need to watch this as a dangerous new trend, bearing in mind Hebrews 13:4: "Marriage is honourable in all..." (KJV) or "Marriage should be honoured by all..." (NIV)

More "Waiting on the Lord"

2007-12-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

Frieda Fruitcake writes: This brother is waiting on the Lord for a job.
He doesn't know if is it God's will for him to work. In fact, he won't know for sure if it is God's will for him to work until he reaches retirement age, as the gift of unemployment may last for a "season", or for a lifetime.
But what he does know is that today he has this good gift, and he is content with it. He trusts that, if it is God's will, then God will bring a job to him in His perfect time. He doesn't have to do anything. Except maybe prepare to work. See what a smart tie and briefcase he has bought!
And now he is waiting.
Not for him to try to get ahead of God's timing by sending out a CV or signing up with a job agency! No, he knows that God is more than capable of bringing a job to him, if that is His will.
And in the meantime, he is just going to wait.
What faith! What trust!
Praise the Lord for wise brothers in Christ!

Waiting on the Lord for a Husband! Inspiring!

2007-12-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

She's waiting on the Lord!

And so is she, as she does her "shopping for one" again!

Just look how delighted she is with her "gift of singleness". She's joyously content, as she "waits" and "trusts", knowing God's timing is always perfect!

Frieda Fruitcake writes: These ladies are so inspiring to me! I hope they have encouraged you too as you "wait".
But what I find truly amazing is how prophetic these ladies were. Given that "waiting on the Lord" to bring you your spouse is such a new doctrine, these ladies were truly ahead of their time!
I know it's hard to imagine now, but think what the situation was like only a generation or so ago. The church used to be pro-marriage, and helped and encouraged single Christian men and women to marry.
For these women to have prophetically embraced the gift of singleness (before the church even knew there was such a gifting!), and even when there were still some single men in the church, is truly an inspiration to me!
As always dear singleness-gifted sisters and last remaining brother in the church: Stay blessed, stay single!

The New (just discovered!) Book of Acts II

2007-12-02T11:28:00.000-08:00

Frieda Fruitcake writes: I am so excited! I have just been sent a previously undiscovered addition to the Bible, and I can exclusively reveal it here!
(Theologians and Greek professors may email me directly with their questions.)

2 Acts 1
1: And it came to pass that in the years to follow, the disciples stopped being fishers of men.
2: The leaders gathered frequently to chat amongst themselves and discuss important issues like, well, something or other, maybe to do with the church building? And they let their wives put on lots of new prayer groups and book clubs for women.
3: The places of worship primarily became creches and play schools with lots of face painting and toys, and there was much for the older "youth" to do too.
4: The disciples had become scared of the men in the world, and preferred instead to spend their time with other Christians only, so they isolated themselves from other men and were afraid to go out and tell them the Good News.
5: Not many were added to their number daily; in fact, they continually decreased, and soon there were virtually no other men in their number.
6: But they weren't bothered.
Selah.

Refuse to pray with those that are just "waiting on the Lord" for their spouse?

2007-12-02T03:42:00.001-08:00

How would you feel about praying for someone to find a job, if they refused to pick up a newspaper and apply for anything?

"It's better to be single than to wish you were" (or the variation: "It's better to be single than to be married to the wrong person")

2007-12-02T03:37:00.000-08:00

So is it better to be unemployed than employed, because some people really hate their jobs?

"You sometimes find more spiritual depth and authenticity in the lives of those who do not go to church"

2007-12-02T03:23:00.000-08:00

Great list here entitled "You might have missional tendancies if..."
Here are just a few taken from the list:

You've oftened muttered leaving a 'church service', "there's got to be more to it than this".

You've wondered why Christians only hang-out with Christians when Jesus seemingly never missed an opportunity to party with the riff-raff.

You've had the urge to spill your guts to the next artificial inquiry, "I'm fine, how are you?".

You've had the compelling urge to join the preacher at the podium to present an alternative perspective.

You sometimes find more spiritual depth and authenticity in the lives of those who do not go to church.

Hmm...

What happened to the great Christian battle?

2007-12-02T02:54:00.000-08:00

"Every Muslim man knows that he is locked in a great battle between good and evil, and although that was a prevalent teaching in Christianity until about 100 years ago, today it's primarily about having a relationship with a man who loves you unconditionally.

"And if that's the punch line of the Gospel, then you're going to have a lot more women than men taking you up on your offer because women are interested in a personal relationship with a man who loves you unconditionally. Men, generally, are not."

David Murrow, author of "Why men hate going to church", with the above taken from a Washington Post article.

"I want to get married"

2007-11-30T04:21:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Do you find it hard to say those words? Do you think wanting a wife or a husband is something to be embarrassed or ashamed about? Do you think other people will look down on you because of it, thinking you are "worldly" or just maybe a little bit "uncool"? Do you think God will feel that you are not putting Him first, because you are seeking to follow His plan for creation? Do you think it's wrong to want sex? Do you think it's wrong to want children?
If you said yes to any of the above, get down on your knees and repent immediately!
You are following our culture and a vast array of misguided Christian singleness pundits, instead of Scripture.
Try saying these words aloud: "I want to get married". Again: "I want to get married". In front of the mirror: "I want to get married". Say it at least 10 times a day! ;-)
There, now hadn't you better do something practical about it? (I am assuming that you will be praying too of course!)
And ladies, I know there aren't enough men in "church" circles. You need to harass your church leader into seeing sense and organise a men's outreach ministry without further delay. Things have been allowed to slide too long already. Warn him that you are going to send Gordon Ramsay round to sort this mess out if he doesn't! ;-) So in addition to Christian social events, you must also begin to look for a man in the world that believes in God (so you are not potentially yoking yourself with an unbeliever!) but has been alienated by our culture's perception of "church" and encourage him yourself!
Meanwhile, in conjunction with making these changes, remember to be content in the Lord. This doesn't mean having to force yourself to be content with a situation (singleness) that is contrary to His Biblical instruction for all but a very few (marriage). It does mean taking positive action along with your prayers for a husband or wife, and when you are doing all that you possibly can, try to find a place of peace through trust in our Father that His will will be done.
I was struck by the passage in Daniel recently, where his friends are faced with bowing down to an idol, or being thrown into a fiery furnace. Their attitude is a remarkable one: "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." (Daniel 3: 17-18)
We are not faced with the prospect that Daniel's friends were, whereby there was nothing they could do themselves! There are thing we can do, and places we can go, in order to be a co-worker with God for marriage - as we do with regard to employment, for example.
Does this guarantee a wife or husband? No, it means that we rest assured that God will bless our search because it is His will. But "if not", or if it takes longer and is more painful that we would wish, we must still trust that God is good, and is working everything for the good.
But let's make the changes that need to be made too please, people!
Reminder: 1) Outreach to men. 2) Unashamed to admit we want marriage. (Incredible, isn't it, that Christians feel this embarrassment in the first place!)
And for number 2, I highly recommend Debbie Maken's "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness". The men that have read it and take the message on board, soon end up married. The women that read it are blessed by the assurance that marriage is God's will and it is our culture and the wrong teaching in our churches today that are causing this protracted singleness. Something that we must work to change.
My prayer for everyone reading this is: May your search be fruitful, in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Ramsay's Church Nightmares!

2007-11-28T10:20:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Does anyone watch Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares? Basically, the leading chef, Gordon Ramsay, goes into failing restaurants and tries to put right the things that are wrong. And boy are they wrong! Last night's episode saw a head chef basically serving food that could give people food poisoning, if not actually kill them. The restaurant was losing £5,000 a week, and the new owner would soon be bankrupt if things didn't change. The kitchen was so filthy that Ramsay had to have it immediately condemned.
Nice.
What was interesting to me was how angry Gordon Ramsay became talking to the chef in charge, and to a degree, the owner. To say he was hopping mad is not an exaggeration. He literally jumps up and down when he is particularly passionate about something. It's really quite endearing!
But let's imagine for one moment that Ramsay was dealing with Christians in that restaurant. Very likely, they would not be so worried about the state of the kitchen. No, what would really disturb them would be Ramsay's anger. Maybe they would tell him that being angry was a sin? Perhaps he needs to learn to be content when faced with life-threatening kitchens? They might even try and stop him making any changes, and instead advise him to pray about the situation. Of course, what would really bother them the most would be his swearing. Life-threatening kitchens? Fine, no problem for Christians! The use of the f-word? Completely and utterly unacceptable!
Hopefully, they would not be left standing after saying any of these things to Gordon Ramsay.
I wonder if Channel 4 would consider commissioning a spin-off series: Ramsay's Church Nightmares?
It's just what the church in this country needs.

Unequally yoked with unbelievers

2007-11-25T01:32:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: I received the following comment from Celia, and I think it is so important that I would like to address it as a post. I am not saying that I have the definitive answer, but I would like it to be something for consideration.

"Captain, I suppose what puts us girls off finding 'men in the world' to encourage them in their faith is the whole thing of not being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
For my part, I'm so into Church and God, I have a hard time imagining any real common ground anyway with a worldly man not into his faith."

I think the crux of the matter is a) What does the Bible say? b) How should we understand that? c) Are we adding more to the Bible than what is there? d) What is a Biblical instruction and what is our own personal preference? e) How do we apply all this in our lives?

So to begin at the beginning, here's that passage (2 Corinthians 6: 14-18) in the King James Version:

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.
And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty."

So we can see here there is a very clear distinction between what is good and what is bad. There is no room for shading. Either someone is a believer (good!) or they are not (bad!).
Okay, so what is a "believer"? I think a believer is one who believes in God (the God of the Bible) and who believes that Jesus died so that we may be reconciled to God through atonement for our sins, and that He is alive today at the right hand of God.
Now, how do we apply this?
Let's be honest, there are a lot of men in the world that would fit this category of believer. They believe in God, they pray and they would probably identify themselves as a Christian, or "Church of England". They may not understand the term "atonement" and they may have a wrong impression altogether of Jesus as some meek and mild hippy. But at least the basic conditions for a Biblical marriage could well be met with just the smallest of encouragement.
Of course, it is every Christian woman's preference to meet a man who is mature in his faith already. But we have to face the reality that most are unlikely to find such a man. If he was brought up a Christian, he would probably have married very young (early 20s). If he has reached even his mid-late 20s without finding a wife, the chances are he has some personal issues that are not being dealt with.
And as the church has stopped outreaching to men in favour of women and children's ministries, there are very few men that come into the church in adulthood.
Given that most churches are failing in this area, and combine it with what I believe is a duty to marry, we have the answer to both problems at our fingertips. Women need to date men from outside the church that fit the minimum criteria of believer. (So I am not talking about even dating, never mind marrying, a man of another faith, or of no faith.) Using wisdom and discernment, she will soon see if there is marriage potential there, and she can do a lot to encourage him, whilst also constantly keeping him and her actions in prayer, and preferably with an accountability partner too.
One word of caution that has recently come to light (this whole theory is an evolving one): A man in the world may be a believer and so a suitable candidate for dating and then possibly marriage, but if he has reached around his mid-30s without marrying, then the chances are he has a problem, most likely to do with commitment. This is not to rule him out, but you would need to be prepared to discover if he is also marriage-minded. Strange though it sounds, through observation I consider that a man who is divorced is in many ways a better proposition for marriage than one who has never married and is 35+. This does not fit the fairytale, but we are dealing with reality, right? The reason for his divorce may be due to his ex-wife's infidelity or desertion.
You will have a lot to discover should you embark on this path, and the route to marriage is a very rocky one in this day and age. But it is worth the spiritual, emotional, physical and financial investment as nothing on earth can compare to marriage. And that's not what I am saying, but what I believe the Bible says.
So - hopefully there is food for thought here?
I just would like to encourage consideration on this issue, rather than the blanket: "If he's not a church-attending, Scripture-quoting, tongue-speaking man, who is on fire for the Lord, don't even date him!"
It grieves me no end when church leaders say things like this to women (and the women agree because of course that's what they want anyway!), but then they refuse to lift a finger to do the work to find and encourage these men themselves.
That's why it now falls on the women themselves to do this work, if they desire a Godly husband. Besides, it is the duty of every Christian to outreach. Our churches seem to prefer this to focus on the women and especially the children. The single Christian women must then focus on the men.

Why are older Christian men less marriage-minded than men in the world?

2007-11-24T05:36:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Just some random thoughts here that may or may not have any basis in the truth - it's only working through a subject for consideration.
It was sparked by this comment that I received recently from an Assistant Pastor: "I know about six or seven single Christian guys well, but I have to be honest that most of them do not seem to be anxious to get married for some reason."
Now I don't know the ages of the men concerned, but I get the impression he is talking about mid-20s guys onwards.
I do think younger Christian men are marriage-minded. But something happens to them as they get older. What it is? It can't be just the direct influence of the enemy, because that would also apply earlier in life. Why is it that single Christian men seem to be able to live for years, even decades, into adulthood following sexual maturity and not feel the need for a woman in their life?
Men in the world may also delay marriage, but they have lots of "mini-marriages" ie. they have girlfriends, they have sex with them, they even live with them. (They also end up having lots of "mini divorces" when they then eventally split up!) But actually, a lot of them then find that is ultimately unsatisfying and they do end up marrying. Not so for many Christian men, who you'd have thought were more keen to marry given that they are apparently living a chaste life. Why it that?
I think the answer is this: We are bombarded daily with pornographic, or near pornographic, images. A man may be watching an innocent wildlife or sports programme. Up come the adverts and it's for a perfume and there is a beautiful and seductive, near naked woman suddenly before their very eyes. A man may go into the kitchen at work. There is a newspaper lying on the table and, low and behold, there is another near naked woman in front of them. You get the idea, and I do think it's probably a daily occurrence (and this is aside from any deliberate attempt to view this stuff).
Now here's the difference between the Christian man and the worldly man. The worldy man is also exposed to the reality of a naked or near naked woman. They have sex with real women, after all. The single Christian man doesn't (okay, most Christian men don't) have real sex. So for him, his sexual drive is only fired by these unreal images. Therefore, when he meets normal-looking, more modest Christian women, he is actually ceasing to find them attractive. And of course, the longer this goes on, the more reinforced this becomes. And then when the pressure gets too much, and they have a computer in their bedroom, with no one looking over their shoulder...
Another issue comes into play here. I think it is natural for men to be a little commitment phobic. That's why in previous generations, men got married younger and in higher number than they do today, because of the pressure on them from society, the church, and parental influence. They knew that remaining a bachelor for too long was weird and that they would be viewed strangely by society (and probably nagged by their mother!). Today, we have lost that pressure. It is remarkable to me that men in the world however still do get married at all. They can have sex, they can have a woman to ease their loneliness, and still they choose to commit to marriage. I think that's because deep down they are hard-wired to want marriage as much as women, despite the effects of the fall, and find these constant mini-marriages ultimately unsatisfactory. They may also come under pressure from their "partner" to commit at some point otherwise she'll be off! Of course, with the divorce rate such as it is, unless they take their marriage vows seriously, it is probably not a great deal different for them if they do marry - they know they still have an opt-out clause! Not so the Christian man. And nowadays with the church no longer exerting any pressure on them to get married either, they see no reason to do it. Their sex drive has become so warped over time, they possibly view marriage as having a stifling effect on their sexuality, rather than the God-ordained outlet.
Going back to the Assistant Pastor that told me about the single men he knew that were not anxious to get married, he also appeared to believe that it wasn't his job to encourage them to seek a wife. Instead he tells them to "seek first the Kingdom". Which apparently means doing just about anything but making finding a wife a priority! It reminds me of Debbie Maken's point that we see Kingdom expansion now coming about through evangelism alone, and not by the raising of Godly children and being fruitful with our stewardship of our bodies. And as for the creation mandate, well, it appears that, along with all the other exhortations to get married, is not on the curriculum of Bible colleges! (I think a possible reason for this is that it never needed much teaching. It was normal for men and women to get married in their youth, and not much needed to be said about it. Not so nowadays, but if there is any teaching on this subject at all, it is probably of the "gift of singleness" variety and does more harm than good!)
Again I say, this leaves single Christian women with a double whammy. There are not enough single men to go around, and the few that there are available, are the least marriage-minded of all men!
That's why I say single Christian women must look for marriage-minded believers in the world that they can then encourage in their faith, as another avenue for marriage. It's not an either/or proposition, but an essential both/and!

How do you know if you have the gift of singleness?

2007-11-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: It's easy. You don't. There is no such thing in the Bible. (Barring a couple of modern paraphrases that misinterpret one or two passages.)
If you are wondering if you have the gift of singleness, please stop right now.
You don't. It is God's will that you marry.

"No More Christian Nice Guy" by Paul Coughlin

2007-11-23T07:02:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Don't be "nice" be "good"!
Essential viewing for every Christian. (And essential reading, I'm sure, but I haven't read the book yet!) If I had the transcription of this interview I would post it, it is SO important, especially during the present times when Jesus is portrayed as some meek and mild hippy (yep, I'm talking about from within the church), and any conflict is seen as bad, bad, bad. (Here's a clue - it's not! Avoiding conflict means condoning wrongs. Since when did that creep into our New Christianity!) It also links in with my recent post on passive aggression.

No more Christian nice guy

Congratulations to the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh!

2007-11-19T14:31:00.000-08:00

We salute you on your Diamond Wedding Anniversary!

Banish all-white wedding gowns!

2007-11-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

Frieda Fruitcake writes: Having not long returned from my latest gift of singleness-honouring retreat, I am now confident that there is no marriage idolatry left in me. Praise the Lord! How dangerously close I came to desiring marriage a fraction more than I desire to keep the gift of singleness!
But the enemy is like a prowling lion! Just today my eyes unwittingly glanced into the window of a bridal shop. I immediately averted my gaze, but God works everything for the good, so out of my one quick sinful glance, I believe the Lord has placed a burden on my heart to start a petition to make wedding dresses feature a black and white colour scheme, instead of the traditional all-white.
As we all know, singleness is a gift and marriage is a gift, and they are both completely equal, and you just have to wait and see which one God has planned for you.
So I think a more appropriate style of bridal gown would consist of a black and white design. That way, should a woman be "called" to marriage, the white can represent the celebration of the gift of marriage, and the black can represent the appropriate mourning of the loss of the very equal gift of singleness.
Now I happen to know there are some talented ladies that read this blog who have the gift of needlework! So I would like to throw this blog open to all you lovely ladies (and last remaining brother - we wouldn't want you to ever feel alienated by any Christian activity!), and ask you to send me your new wedding gown designs, featuring black areas in an equal proportion to the white.
I will be strict about these proportions, by the way. Too much white will be a sign that you are subconsciously making an idol out marriage, so you will need to immediately repent, and then I recommend following in Frieda's footsteps and getting your sorry soul off to a retreat immmediately.
I look forward to viewing all your designs!
Stay blessed - stay single! (That's my new strapline, inspired by my latest retreat. I hope you like it!)

Is it possible....

2007-11-18T04:45:00.001-08:00

...to find a church that is serious about the need to fish for men, and supports marriage (yes, even for those that are not already married!)?
Can anyone recommend one? Anywhere???

Anger and grief over the hardness of religious leaders' hearts? Yes, it is Biblical!!

2007-11-17T04:57:00.000-08:00

And he entered again into the synagogue; and there was a man there which had a withered hand.
And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.
And he saith unto the man which had the withered hand, Stand forth.
And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.
And when he had looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other.
And the Pharisees went forth, and straightway took counsel with the Herodians against him, how they might destroy him.
(Mark 3: 1-6 KJV)

Are Christian men particularly prone to "Passive Aggressive" personalities?

2007-11-17T03:48:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Have just started looking into this subject, and I do believe there may be something in it, which is particularly affecting Christian men.
There is a lot of information about this personality disorder on the internet (obviously care needs to be taken when assimilating this!), but in essence it seems to be displayed as an outwardly passive "nice guy" facade, with an aggressive behaviour pattern underneath. The passive aggressive will not admit to this, but rather vent his anger by causing verbal damage and emotional trauma to the woman he is in a relationship with, while all the while on the outside appearing to be a compassionate individual. When the woman is a Christian, and very willing to love and nurture, she is particularly susceptible to charges that the problems in the relationship are all her fault, particularly in our current climate where women are encouraged to minutely examine their own behaviour and not assess whether the man's behaviour is actually reasonable or not.
Two Christian women I know have been trying to deal with a passive aggressive man, and one is currently going through a marital separation.
This is a subject I may well return to, but it strikes me that Christian men in particular have a problem with this due to the way we have turned Jesus into some meek and mild hippy, with the passages where Jesus expressed His anger blotted out in the same way that we blot out the passages that tell Christians they should marry. Combine that outward anger suppression and current climate of "men are never to blame", with the notion that Christian women have so much work to do on themselves before they can possibly be a good wife...and you have a pretty noxious concoction.

"Single men are significantly more likely to die early than those who marry"

2007-11-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Having had an encounter today with a (married) deputy church leader who appears terrified to even suggest to single Christian men that they might want to think about finding a wife, I was interested to stumble upon this artice: Death can come early for 'toxic bachelors'.
Apparently "academics found that men who were bachelors between the ages of 19 and 44 were 58 per cent more likely to die up to the age of 50 than their peers who were married and living with their spouse."
So contrary to what our church leaders currently think, it seems the Bible was right all along: It's not good for man to be alone, and he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.
Shame none of our married church leaders appear to have the b***s to tell the single Christian men this!

Remind me again...

2007-11-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

Captain Sensible writes: Why is it that single Christians are told to "wait on the Lord" to bring them their spouse?
(And should Christians also "wait on the Lord" to bring us our groceries, too? It sure would save a lot of time if we did...)

More on monks and nuns

2007-11-10T03:44:00.000-08:00

"I've often thought that for a single person a monastery provides a community that would eliminate much of what singles struggle with regarding isolation, loneliness, sense of belonging, etc."
(Fern Horst, "Purposeful Singleness")

Captain Sensible writes: Well, I guess it had to happen. It's the natural extension of the "be content", "singleness is a gift", "making an idol out of marriage", "Jesus is all you need" teaching that has infected the church. It was only a matter of time until someone thought a solution to the problem of singleness was joining a monastery or nunnery. It is appropriate that that person is Fern Horst, the most militantly aggressive pro-singleness person I have come across. (Carolyn McCulley seems to have not taken it quite that far. Although she does support single Christians living together in a kind of pseudo-family unit as some sort of substitute for a real husband or wife and a real family.)
I wonder if the next logical step is promoting a form of non-practising homosexuality? I know of one person in the UK that appears to be advocating just that. And she regularly speaks on the subject of singleness to thousands of Christians at a major annual festival.
God sent Debbie Maken at just the right time to stop this cancer in its tracks. Thank God that the final burden for putting all this right rests with the Lord. It would be unbearable for any one person to take it on.

Prayerful petition for change: The Bad Samaritan

2007-11-04T04:36:00.000-08:00

Frieda Fruitcake writes: Apologies dear sisters and last remaining brother in the church, for my recent absence. I became aware of a very grave sin that I was harbouring, and having searched the depths of my hearts, I realised that there was a part of me that...desired marriage! I am pleased to tell you that I immediately took that sinful thought captive, and have been on an extended retreat these past few weeks: praying, fasting and generally beating my ungodly desire into submission. I believe it has gone. Praise the Lord!
Now that I am once again completely and utterly content with being single, I have become aware of the Spirit prompting me about the parable of The "Good" Samaritan.
To call the Samaritan's actions "good" is a dangerous misinterpretation of God's word!
You will remember that the Jew was lying beaten and dying. This was God's perfect will and plan for the Jew's life. A super-spiritual priest walked by and did nothing, wisely refusing to interfere with God's will. He understood that God was obviously using the Jew's experience to mould him and conform him more fully to the image of God.
However, a Samaritan walked by and shamefully felt he knew better than God! He took matters into his own hands and saw that the injured man was cared for and received the help he needed, even paying for him to be looked after even though he didn't know him from Adam!
Therefore I am launching a prayer petition to change the title of this parable to either a) The Bad Samaritan, or b) The Good Priest.
I would have liked to have conducted a phone poll to decide on this title, but given the recent experiences of the BBC, I have decided that this would be unwise.
Instead, I am just going to trust in God to change the title of this parable and do nothing myself.
In fact, I am never going to actually do anything ever again! As everything that happens is God's will, we must never presume to help anyone, or fight injustice, or do any good works... nothing! That way "God's will" will always be done unhindered by sinful beings such as us.
Praise God for this new revelation of how bad the supposedly "good" Samaritan really was, and how we must never presume to interfere with God's will, whether it be for better or for worse, in sickness or in health...
Wait! That sounds suspiciously like the marriage vows! I must have somehow given the devil a foothold again! I need to go on another, longer, harsher retreat!

Enforced Nunhood For Christian Women?

2007-11-03T05:52:00.000-07:00

"A culture that...flogs or stones a girl for falling in love."
(Ayaan Hirsi Ali)

Captain Sensible writes: I came across the above quote recently. It's not a good thing, right? But hang on a minute. Are we metaphorically flogging and stoning Christian women for even just wanting to fall in love? Think about it. A Christian woman says she really wants to get married and have children. What could be more natural? And in accordance with God's plan too?
But what is the likely reaction she will receive to such a statement?

Stone 1) You must be content single!
Lash 1) You are making an idol out of marriage!
Stone 2) It may not be God's will for you to get married! You are sinning against God for trying to go against His plan for you!
Lash 2) You must be patient, and if that means you finally become barren, well then you'd better be jolly pleased with that too! Barrenness is obviously His will and perfect plan for your life, so you'd better quit being unhappy and be joyfully, blissfully content about it!

I seriously think we are going to look back at the spiritual abuse we are inflicting on our women and be nothing short of horrified.
The number of single women I am encountering, or reading about, that say how depressed they are because of their singleness is unbelievable. Worse still are the ones that try to give advice because, yes, they too were depressed, but somehow they have been able to beat their natural and Godly longings into submission, and now they realised how wrong they were for wanting the very thing that God commanded us to all do in the first place: Be fruitful and multiply! For the ones that do venture into a relationship, if it doesn't work out as they had hoped, they are more depressed than ever before. Unrequited love is extremely painful anyway, but one of the things that helps people get over it is when a new love comes along. For Christian women that think it's wrong to date outside of "the church", this may mean four years, five years, even more... As if they have all those endless years to waste!
Why are we doing this to our sisters? What really is the fruit of all this? Fewer and fewer children being born into Christian families, and men and women that are objects of either pity or suspicion in the world, as opposed to being salt and light.
We must stop enforcing nunhood on Christian women and then scolding them if they don't have peace about it. And of course they won't have peace about it, because it is not God's will for them to be nuns, but rather wives and mothers and in a timely fashion too ie. their youth.
It reminds me of a comment Debbie Maken made about a year ago, about "monks and nuns":

"It is amazing that a pop star would be able to spot something as sublime as the consuming need for romantic love, and yet Christians would feel the need to squelch same, as if it were an idol, something to subdue, master, destroy so that it cannot get in the way of our otherwise mediocre, half-hearted, mildly devoted relationships with God. None of us are that single-minded about God-- whether married or single. The simple reason for this is because God did not create us to be that way. We were not born to be monks, and we kid ourselves and contradict our very nature, the more that we think we are. We are not monks in any aspect of our lives from personal consumption to spending habits to being endlessly entertained, and yet when it comes to our sexuality, we think our selective monkishness and continued passivity to downright neglect of marriage will bring about more spirituality or devotion. There is a good word for cafeteria monkishness-- hypocrite.

"God is the creator of our sexuality and He meant for it to be good and for it to be acted on in the most appropriate way-- through marriage. For us to now place such a desire in competition with the creator of it is truly foolish.

"Sometimes when I hear about these bachelors writing on sites like Purposefully Single and all of these other singleness pundits extolling the virtues of this mystifying gift (the "gift of singleness"), I often feel like we are the children of Israel, where the promises and blessings of the Covenant are going to be skipped over us but be given to others who have followed His blueprint more closely-- i.e. to be fruitful and multiply. The broken hearts of many single women and men is only the beginning; we should fear the fallout a generation from now if this misteaching about the gift of singleness actually seeps any further into the body of Christ."

Do women need to be content with singleness before they can be happily married?

2007-11-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Not according to these married women, writing on a Christian forum! They were asked if they ever missed being single. One or two answered that there were aspects of singleness that they missed. This doesn't surprise me. Even if someone had suffered a broken leg, they would probably say there were some aspects that they missed (being able to do a lot of reading?). But would they want to go through life with a broken leg? I think not!
(Many thanks to the reader that brought this to my attention. Yes, you're right! They may well still give a contentment lecture to a woman struggling with the "gift of singleness". It's what they've been told is the right thing to do and they think they are offering Godly wisdom, even though they know they never managed it. Their heart's in the right place, even if their head isn't! ;-) Don't let it bother you!)

"No, never. Truly. Not even for a single second...{{{shudder}}}"

"The only problem I had when I was single...was being single. I don't miss it at all."

"Nope not at all. I hated dating, and wondering if I'd ever get married."

"No, not at all."

"No. Being married is all the fun of being single - but being able to come home together at the end of the night. Someone to share it with..."

"No, never. Some people are happy when they're single, but I was miserable. And now that I know what it's like to be married, I could not go back - I would even be more miserable than before because now I know what I'd miss. I want to be with my husband as often as possible."

"No, not at all, never wanna go back."

"NO! I know what I have. I know exactly how fortunate and blessed I am. I wouldn't trade my husband--even in the middle of a fight--for anything or anyone!...Being married to my husband is wonderful all the time. I don't have the words to say how wonderful."

"Nah! Sure ya miss some little things when you were dating & all (my H use to leave me notes, poems on a weekly basis) but I wouldn't trade married life for being single!"

"I'm happily married and wouldn't want to go back to singlehood."

"No I don't miss it at all."

"Nothing beats having my best friend with me all the time."

"I never miss being single...I can't imagine ever missing being single. I love being married to my husband and facing life together as a team. And I love that it's just the two of us in this team."

"I don't miss being single one bit."

"Occasionally I just want to get in the car and see where I end up before I need more gas. But I know once I got there I'd miss them and wish hubby and babes were there too."

"Not at all!"

Captain Sensible adds: And to round it off, let's see how Debbie Maken ends her book "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness". If it causes you to feel discontent about your singleness...well, good! Now join the movement to bring about change!

"I want women to be married. Marriage is wonderful. I love waking up every morning next to my husband -- and sometimes waking up earlier than expected as little feet patter into our room. I love riding to church in the passenger seat and having a hand to hold during the service. I love having a date every weekend. I love the freedom to have legitimate sex whenever we want. I have a husband with whom I can share my deepest thoughts and affections. We are building a life together and are creating a legacy to leave for our children.

"I cannot apologize for wanting this same wonderful life for my daughters and for each single woman who reads this book.

"May God guide you and bless you as you ponder the duty to marry and pursue the highest calling given to men and women."

Minutely examining the vacuum cleaner to solve the problem of why the washing machine won't work?

2007-11-01T05:46:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: That's the way I see the majority of advice given to single Christian women regarding singleness and marriage.
But no matter how much you examine the vacuum cleaner, take it apart, try to remove every speck of dust from the machinery until it is fully "prepared" to work, it will not do anything to solve the problem of why the washing machine still isn't going!
Christian women are being encouraged to minutely examine every detail of their hearts: Is there a speck of discontentment there? Have they inadvertently slipped over the invisible line of desiring married a fraction too much, thereby "making an idol" out of marriage? (Remember, the "gift of singleness" and the "gift of marriage" are both equal, and you should actually be equally content with both. Incidentally, I have always wondered why weddings don't have a section in the service for mourning the loss of the "gift of singleness"? Better still, have no marriage celebration at all. After all, the two equal gifts cancel each other out, so why the need for any celebration of thanksgiving at all? Surely it is a time of equal joy and sorrow?) Or have they made the very serious new error that has recently come to light of saying they want to "get married" instead of the preferred new terminology of "be a wife", which clearly reveals how very evil to the core their heart is!
Finally, when the vacuum cleaner is spotless (which is impossible anyway, because no vacuum cleaner can ever be perfectly clean. There's always going to be a speck of dust somewhere that some well-meaning idiot can point to as to the reason why the washing machine isn't working!), the only advice given is to trust in God about the washing machine and wait on the Lord for Him to fix it!

The Streets: Never went to church

2007-10-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: I haven't ever done this before (but now that this blog is 1 year old, I may start doing it more regularly!), but I am going to repost the link to the song, "Never went to church".
I couldn't get it out of my head today, and in the light of my previous post, well, it just seems appropriate.
I am going to add the lyrics this time. Please, if anyone is put off by the first line, or if it's just "not your thing", still listen to it. I really think he has something important to say to us as "the church".
What are we really doing to reach out to guys like him?
(Incidentally, it is also a great testimony to fatherhood, and I love it for that too.)
Enjoy -- and weep.

The Streets - Never went to church

Never Went To Church

Two great European narcotics:
Alcohol and Christianity.
I know which one I prefer.

We never went to church,
Just get on with work, and sometimes things'll hurt,
But it's hit me since you left us,
And it's so hard not to search.

If you were still about,
I'd ask you what I'm supposed to do now?
I just get grubbin' scared,
Every now,
Hope I made you proud.

On your birthday when mom passed the forks and spoons,
I put my head on the table, I was so distraught with you.
You tidied your things into the bin,
The more poorly you grew,
So there's nothing of yours to hold, or to talk to.

You put your hand up and interrupt the conversation with a "But..",
People say I interrupt people with the same look.
Sometimes I think so hard I can't remember how your face looked,
Started reading about dreams in your favourite book.

Panic and pace when I can't see the right thing to do.
You'd be scratching your head through the best advice you knew.
And I feel sad I can't hear you reciting it through,
I miss you Dad, but I've got nothing to remind me of you

[Chorus]

I needed a break when your book about dreams was taken,
I needed to pray or see a priest that day.
I needed to leave this trade and just heave it away,
But I cleaned up my place, like you, so I could see things straight.

I never cared about God when life was sailin' in the calm,
So I said I'd get my head down, and I'd deal with the ache in my heart.
And for that, if God exists, I'd reckon He'd pay me regard.
Mom says me and you are the same from the start.

I guess then you did leave me something to remind me of you.
Everytime I interrupt someone like you used to.
When I do something like you, you'll be on my mind or through,
'Cause I forgot, you left me behind to remind me of you.

[Chorus x2]

But you you still tell me how you didn't know what to do even now,
And then I'm not so scared somehow,
'Cause I know that you'd be proud.

I got a good one for you Dad,
I'm gonna see a priest, a Rabbi and a Protestant clergyman,
You always said I should hedge my bets...

Vacancy for a Youth Pastor and Children's Ministry Worker! And another one! And another! And....!

2007-10-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: The job vacancy pages of Christianity magazine in November again reveal a very worrying picture of the church in the UK today. We know there is a desperate need for more men in the church. So you would think that every church would be seeking to focus on outreach to men, and if they can afford it, advertise for a full-time men's ministry worker. You'd think that, wouldn't you? So why is it, yet again, that the November issue is full of advertisements for youth pastors and children's ministry workers? Here is a list of the job titles that feature in the pages of the magazine, in the order in which they appear, highlighting the vacancies aimed at youth and children's ministries in bold (and bear in mind that Christianity magazine is aimed at the whole church, not specifically youth and children's ministries!):

Children's Team Leader
Youth and Children's Worker
Qualified Youth Worker
Youth and Children's Worker
IT Manager
Children's Worker
Quality People Wanted (this is a sales role in a Christian company)
Christian Service (various roles at outdoor centre)
Schools Worker
Lay Worker (Pastor)
Lead Youth Worker
Youth Worker
Resident Couple
Youth Development Worker
Youth Pastor
Accommodation Officer (Students Club)
Youth Worker
Children's Pastor
Youth Pastor
Youth Worker
Youth Ministry Leader
Youth Worker
Children's and Youth Worker
Buildings Manager
Youth Worker
Children's Worker
Children's Church Pastor
Children's Worker
Children's and Young People's Development Worker
Youth Worker
Church Resource - Senior Manager (youth organisation)
Film Team Leader (youth organisation)
Assistant Manager and Team Member (conference centre)
Youth Minister
Pastor
Director of Youth Ministry
Youth Pastor
Fusion Worker (youth ministry)
Youth Worker
Youth Worker
Director of Youth and Student Ministries
Sales Representative
Youth Worker
Children's Director
Youth Worker
Youth and Community Worker

What does this say to you about the primary focus of the church in the UK at the moment? And is it the correct focus? Did we see the early church focusing primarily on outreach to children and youth? Did we see them neglecting to outreach to grown men? Rather, didn't they outreach to men and then instruct those men to tell their whole household? Do church leaders know that if a man is led to Christ, then in 93% of cases, he does bring his whole family too? Can any children's or youth ministry, no matter how good, substitute for having a Christian father at home? Are there new families waiting to be born by bringing more single men into the church? Wouldn't the church body as a whole be stronger for having an appropriate ratio of men in it? Will we one day have to give an account of why we neglected to reach out to generations of men? What am I missing?

Christianity magazine: A glimmer of hope?

2007-10-27T23:35:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: I was encouraged by a letter in the November issue of Christianity magazine, particularly as it received top billing.
The letter begins:

"I had mixed feelings as I read the various letters that have appeared in Feedback recently regarding Christian singles and the church. Dare I believe that at last the murmurings of many singles over the years are at last being picked up by others?"

She describes herself as a single woman in her late 30s, and goes on to say:

"Some of the women I know have given up all hope of ever finding a Christian husband and have found Christian dating sites to be ineffective. Some are choosing to turn to non-Christian sites as they are finding partners who are genuinely interested in them and developing real relationships. When are Christian leaders going to wake up to this epidemic of a problem? What exactly are they teaching you at theological colleges? These are real life issues and have been for many years. We shouldn't be surprised if more disillusioned ladies begin a search for husbands within a secular setting.

"I wonder how many of you would make it through a year celibate and home alone?"

Interesting stuff, and that challenge to church leaders is superb! The only issue I have with what I have highlighted from the letter, is that she doesn't make a distinction between believers and unbelievers in the secular world. If the women are finding real relationships with believers that feel excluded from "church" (something I am seeing more and more of myself) then that is to be celebrated. If however they are finding relationships with unbelievers, then that is a problem that the church leaders must deal with. And how should they deal with it? NOT by telling the women to be content and wait on the Lord, that's for sure! They should be shifting their primary focus to outreach to men, and in the meantime help and pray for the women as they navigate the secular dating world, so that they can find believing men and help shepherd these men into the fold.
It really isn't rocket science -- is it?

Tony Campolo on healing

2007-10-27T06:13:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Does God heal today, and if so, why are some people healed and not others? It's a question that I am at a loss to answer other than with words that seem hopelessly inadequate. That's why I was particularly interested to come across Tony Campolo's take on it - a man I have a lot of respect and admiration for. I think it also applies to healing the pain of singleness and a broken heart.
Here are some extracts, but you can read the whole thing here.

"A widowed mother of six had breast cancer. In the months preceding her death, the members of her church held weekly prayer meetings, begging God to heal her. Twice, all night prayer vigils were held on her behalf, but she wasn’t healed.

"In the face of such a tragedy, you can always count on some well-meaning person to quote Romans 8:28--"all things work together for good"--and to say that the tragedy is something we just have to accept as part of God’s wonderful plan for us. As if that were not enough, they'll imply that God caused what we think is a tragedy in order to achieve some greater good that we, in our limited understanding, just cannot comprehend.

"I don’t buy this kind of talk. To make God the author of sickness and death is to transform God into someone who is difficult to love.

"In a church where I once served, there was a man whose son died of leukemia. The man stopped coming to church. I went to visit him and told him not to stop believing in God because of what had happened. The man responded, 'Oh, I still believe in God. The reason I gave up on church isn’t because I don’t believe in God, it is because I hate him. He could have cured my boy and I begged him to do that and he did nothing…so I hate him.'

"I tried to tell this man that God does not cause sickness and death. I told him that God is constantly struggling to abolish both, and that someday, God will--but that time is not yet.

"That did not help. What did help was this: I told the man that when his son died, God was the first one who cried.

"Those who cite Romans 8:28 in the face of such tragedies need to know that the verse does not say "all things work together for good," even though it reads that way in the King James Version. A more accurate translation of the Greek New Testament reads, "In the midst of everything that is happening, God is at work cooperating with those who love Him, to bring about good." Big difference!"

"In James 5:14 we read that elders of the church should pray over the sick and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. I wish every church would set aside one evening a week to make that kind of healing ministry available. The elders or deacons in churches should put a sign outside the church that publicizes the date and time for the healing services-and announces in bold letters that non-members are especially welcome."

Captain Sensible adds: Unlike most Christians, Tony Campolo is not afraid of unbelievers, or of fragile believers. I particularly like his idea of putting up a sign announcing an open healing evening. The church down the end of my road keeps putting signs up warning passers by that they are going to hell. People give the building a wide berth! I wish they would adopt Tony Campolo's suggestion instead. I also particularly appreciated his better translation of Romans 8:28: "In the midst of everything that is happening, God is at work cooperating with those who love Him, to bring about good." In relation to singleness, we must stop telling people to battle their discontent and how it is God's will and perfect plan for their lives. We must instead battle the causes of it, cooperating with God to bring about an end to protracted singleness. Read the rest of the article here.

"The sadness, despair, aggravation, torture, frustration and numbness of being single"

2007-10-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Does the above quote sound like a description of a "gift" from God to you?
(The quote is taken from a comment I received this morning, and which I have posted here.)
Nuff said.

Frederika Mathewes-Green: A call for MORE teen pregnancies!

2007-10-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Many thanks to my very good friend who sent in the link to another of Mathewes-Green's articles: "Let's have more teen pregnancies".
She is spot on, and although the concept of "teen pregnancies" raises alarm bells at first, really it shouldn't. It is unwed teen pregnancies that are the problem.
She makes many good points, among them:

1) How we are hardwired to want sex, not go on an abstinence marathon.
2) How a woman's body is designed to have children most healthily in her youth (and men too, we now understand).
3) How having children young means benefits throughout the generations, with young and active grandparents, great-grand grandparents etc. and so eliminating a lonely old age and benefiting the younger generation with years of experienced wisdom and love.

But one thing that struck me as a highly original thought was this:

"A pattern of late marriage may actually increase the rate of divorce. During that initial decade of physical adulthood, young people may not be getting married, but they're still falling in love. They fall in love, and break up, and undergo terrible pain, but find that with time they get over it. They may do this many times. Gradually, they get used to it; they learn that they can give their hearts away, and take them back again; they learn to shield their hearts from access in the first place. They learn to approach a relationship with the goal of getting what they want, and keep their bags packed by the door. By the time they marry they may have had many opportunities to learn how to walk away from a promise. They've been training for divorce."

There are far too many good points for me to even know where to start by pulling-out a few more extracts.
So please, please, read the article in its entirety here.
We really need to start being truly Biblical and counter cultural.
And sadly, in our generation, that means being counter church cultural too.

Frederica Mathewes Green: "Men and Church", investigating "Vanishing Male Syndrome"!

2007-10-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

Captain Senisble writes: Many thanks to the reader that sent in the link to this very interesting article Men and Church. It begins: "In a time when churches of every description are faced with Vanishing Male Syndrome, men are showing up at Eastern Orthodox churches in numbers that, if not numerically impressive, are proportionately intriguing. This may be the only church which attracts and holds men in numbers equal to women...Rather than guess why this is, I emailed a hundred Orthodox men, most of whom joined the Church as adults. What do they think makes this church particularly attractive to men? Their responses, below, may spark some ideas for leaders in other churches, who are looking for ways to keep guys in the pews."

The responses are very revealing, in particular those that relate directly to our Lord Jesus Christ:

'What draws men to Orthodoxy is not simply that it’s challenging or mysterious. What draws them is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the center of everything the Church does or says.
'In contrast to some other churches, “Orthodoxy offers a robust Jesus”...One contrasted this “robust” quality with “the feminized pictures of Jesus I grew up with…I’ve never had a male friend who would not have expended serious effort to avoid meeting someone who looked like that.” Though drawn to Jesus Christ as a teen, “I felt ashamed of this attraction, as if it were something a red-blooded American boy shouldn’t take that seriously, almost akin to playing with dolls.”
'A priest writes: “Christ in Orthodoxy is a militant, butt-kicking Jesus who takes Hell captive. Orthodox Jesus came to cast fire on the earth. (Males can relate to butt-kicking and fire-casting.) In Holy Baptism we pray for the newly-enlisted warriors of Christ, male and female, that they may ‘be kept ever warriors invincible.’
'After several years in Orthodoxy, one man found a service of Christmas carols in a Protestant church “shocking, even appalling.” Compared to the Orthodox hymns of Christ’s Nativity, "‘the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay’ has almost nothing to do with the Eternal Logos entering irrevocably, inexorably, kenotically, silently yet heroically, into the fabric of created reality.”'

Read the rest here.

Wise Tory politicians? Surely not! (Ahem!)

2007-10-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Boris Johnson MP has never been afraid of controversy. But he really is taking a risk with some of his latest comments about...wait for it..."the lack of marriageable men" in our society! (And if he thinks the situation is bad in our society, I dread to think what he would have to say about the Christian community! Maybe if he succeeds in becoming Mayor of London, he will get the opportunity to find out!).
Here are a few quotes from his recent comments: (But Christian women, don't despair! There are still a lot of marriage-minded believers out there in the world that would love to find a woman like you!)

"The other day, I was giving a lift to a group of 14-year-old girls and, as we waited at the traffic lights, I became dimly aware of something remarkable about their conversation. They were all bright sparks, in the process of being coached up by their schools to become captains of industry, Members of Parliament and all the rest of it. But as I inclined my ear, I realised that they weren't discussing their dotcoms; they weren't preparing for the time when they would be joining each other on the pages of Fortune magazine or Business Week. No, they were discussing marriage. They were planning their wedding days, down to the last sugared almond and the exact cut of their dresses."

"For a moment, I toyed with proposing some kind of marriage seekers' allowance, to give succour and encouragement to those girls who were finding it hard to find any man at all...maybe their plight and their effort should be recognised by the state."

"The single most important thing we can do to encourage marriage is to increase the supply of marriageable men."

"We won't begin to reverse the decline in marriage unless we address the crisis in masculinity."

"Knuckleheaded Christian leaders"? Surely not! (Ahem!)

2007-10-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: There are a number of very good comments on Debbie Maken's blog at the moment. I particularly appreciate this comment by a reader called Paul (and how refreshing it is to see a Christian man writing about the evils of protracted singleness!), so I have reposted it here:

Amir said: "...Actually, the Church undermines its own [otherwise correct] position with respect to reserving the sexual act for marriage.

They do this by encouraging late marriage, and discouraging singles--who express the need for a spouse--from finding mates."

Bingo.

Our Christian leaders just can't seem to understand how this phenomenon of widespread, protracted singleness affects the morality of the Body of Christ.

I remember listening to an interview with Tim LaHaye several years ago in which he was discussing the declining moral condition in the Church - with men hooked on porn, women having abortions, rampant adultery and pre-marital sex. LaHaye attributed much of the problem to the fact that we have so many more unmarried people in our churches than we did a generation or two ago.

He then said something to the effect of, "It's fine to preach abstinence and True Love Waits to our kids when they're teens, but we also need to start encouraging them to get married much younger than what the culture at large is saying." It was so refreshing to hear a Christian leader who actually "gets it" on this issue, yet it was also sad because there are so few of them.

It irritates me to no end whenever I hear some preacher who got married while he was still in Bible College acting like it's no big deal for the singles in his congregation to remain celibate for decades while they wait for the Lord to bring them "the person He has for you." The odds are, if that preacher ever lost his wife, or if she ran off and left him, he'd start searching high and low for another woman and would probably be remarried within two years.

The Body is already in a moral free-fall as it is due to the influence of our Godless culture, and then we have knuckleheaded Christian leaders telling our young people not to get married until they're in their late-20's, at the very earliest.

I guess it comes back to something else Amir said - many of them just don't know how to deal with this issue, so they just fall back on the clichés they've heard a thousand times.

Did you go to church this morning?

2007-10-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

Or were you the church this week?

Never went to church - The Streets

Be discontent about injustice!

2007-10-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

"And in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplied, there arose a murmuring of the Grecians against the Hebrews, because their widows were neglected in the daily ministration.
Then the twelve called the multitude of the disciples unto them, and said, It is not reason that we should leave the word of God, and serve tables.
Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business.
But we will give ourselves continually to prayer, and to the ministry of the word.
And the saying pleased the whole multitude: and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Ghost, and Philip, and Prochorus, and Nicanor, and Timon, and Parmenas, and Nicolas a proselyte of Antioch:
Whom they set before the apostles: and when they had prayed, they laid their hands on them.
And the word of God increased; and the number of the disciples multiplied in Jerusalem greatly; and a great company of the priests were obedient to the faith.
And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people."
(Acts 4: 1-8)

Captain Sensible writes: Continuing the theme of contentment, never must Christians "be content" with an unjust situation that they can do something about themselves. Yes, pray. But also God has designed us with a body and a brain to actually do something about injustices ourselves.
I think the above passage has several vitally important things to say to us.

1) Note there was a legitimate complaint. The Greek widows were being unfairly treated and not receiving their fair share of the provisions. So did the apostles tell them that they should "be content"? After all, Paul was content even when hungry, right? Of course not. These widows were not imprisoned, nor was there a famine. There was no need to be content with injustice from within the church! They did not scold the Greek widows over a lack of contentment! Rather they decided action must be taken.

2) But then the question arose, who should take charge of seeing that justice was done? They decided that it wouldn't be right for them to "serve tables" and neglect the spreading of the word of God. Instead they called all the disciples together, and told them to choose seven men of "honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom". There are some important lessons here:

3) How much time do church leaders spend doing the equivalent of "serving tables", instead of their primary focus - spreading the word? I think the answer is far too much! That way they busy themselves without actually having to come into contact with unbelievers - something that one leader at least had the honesty to admit to me actually scares him! Far easier for them to get involved in church building meetings and meetings with other church leaders, and generally ensure that they are not guilty of idleness yet are able to neglect their primary role: reaching out to the men in the world.

4) Notice that seven men were to be "appointed" over this ministry. Not women. Men. Even though it was a "women's ministry" no less! Also note, there was no "waiting on the Lord to place it on their hearts". Nope, the job needed doing. Men were appointed to do it.

5) These were not just any men. They were qualified for the task. Namely, of "honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom". Wisdom? Is that a qualification of leadership? Not if you look around at the men (and women!) being offered leadership roles today! It's quite breathtaking really to see the quality of those being offered leadership positions within our churches and local ministries these days. Sadly, it is not much of an exaggeration to say that a lack of wisdom, disbelief in the Bible, an ungodly lifestyle and a pattern of repeated sexual immorality, appear to be the necessary qualifications for a leadership role.

6) Perhaps there are some small churches where they cannot summon seven men that fit the godly criteria? In the UK, that is perfectly possible. However, in most cases that is not the real problem. There are at least seven godly men in most congregations. The problem is, they are never asked to help! Instead, their wives (and of course the godly men - unless very young - are always married) seem to take over. This must not be allowed to happen. The role of a wife is primarily to help her husband. She should be encouraging him, not taking over his role within the church.

7) Finally, how does all this apply to the problem that we face in our churches regarding singleness?

Proposed solution

a) Church leaders need to appoint "seven" men (relative to the size of the church) whose primary goal is to ensure that single Christian women get married. The first thing they need to do is disciple the single men in the congregation very closely to discover why they are not married and get to the root cause of the problem. Has it come about from bad theology? Is it demonic oppression? A result of past hurts? Generational sin? (Which may manifest itself in the divorce of their parents that has given them an unhealthy view of marriage.) Sins of the flesh? Or, most probably, is it a combination of the above? Whatever it is, it is their job to minister God's healing deliverance so the men are free and able to seek a wife.

b) Secondly, they should liaise with other churches, starting in their own area, to see if there are ways in which they can bring the single men and women together. This may involve initiating a regular programme of social activities, but crucially, the men will be closely monitored to see that they don't become habitual attendees that never seem to find a woman to marry! Again, the root of the problem must be addressed if that is happening.

c) There are some single men and women who may need a little extra help. They may be particularly shy or awkward socially, and here the ministry team can take things a little further and actually set up possible matches, as the chances are they would not manage this on their own. What a worthwhile ministry to be a part of!

d) Men's outreach must be made a priority generally, as the current situation is such that even if every single Christian man in our churches was handed a wife on a plate (and some of them seem to expect God to do this!) there will still be some women left single and barren. This is unacceptable. So the singles ministry team of men should liaise closely with the men's outreach team (which of course no church must be without!!!) and not be afraid of inviting the men they are outreaching to, to the singles' socials. Of course, this is a major hurdle for most Christians. But this is one area where I think we all need to take a leap of faith. The men that make up the Body of Christ are out there. We should not be afraid of introducing a believing man who is "unchurched" to our single women. The love of a good woman is a mightily powerful thing! And we simply cannot continue neglecting to outreach to a whole generation of men. That's inexcusable on any level.

So there we have it...I really think we need to start the ball rolling now.

Singleness "contentment" and "gratitude". Debbie Maken clears the air - again!

2007-10-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: I am loving Debbie Maken's clear thinking that drives through the muddy, unholy mess we have got ourselves into regarding singleness and marriage! How the enemy must be delighted to see Christian singles beat themselves up over whether they are "content" enough, or "grateful" enough, instead of getting on with the goldy business of getting married, having a family, and being the salt and light the world so desperately needs! Here is her latest comment on her blog that addresses these matters. (I particularly love this: "gee, I wasn't content, but I think I was thankful...no, no, no, I was definitely happy, but I guess I could be a little more grateful...I voiced a legitimate complaint over my singleness, but was it biblically said, and if it wasn't, did I just shoot myself in the foot...") Her advice at the end is spot on. The only thing I would add is to face the reality of the lack of men in church circles (and the negative impact this also has on the few single men in church circles) and for single Christian women to understand that they need to seek out the believers in the world that are missing from our churches. They are out there! It's time to bring in the harvest!

"May I suggest that neither the word "contentment" nor the word "gratitude" should be used in this context whatsoever. It is problematic in not only what is conveyed, but what is heard, received and processed. I do not think singles need to be any more "content" with their state than a married individual, or a starving individual, or a sick individual, or a toddler who did not get her way today. Neither is the single required to show more "gratitude" than others. Gratefulness/thankfulness is required by all of God's people for all that He has done. Contentment has to have an object, that is, the Lord, and is not tied to one's circumstance. Therefore, in a sense, both the terms "contentment" and "gratitude" are superfluous in the singleness discussion. Because both of these concepts are neutral in their application to ALL of the body, why even bother to parse words and come up with different ways singles need to constantly self-evaluate-- "gee, I wasn't content, but I think I was thanful. ... no, no, no, I was definitely happy, but I guess I could be a little more grateful . . . I voiced a legitimate complaint over my singleness, but was it biblically said, and if it wasn't, did I just shoot myself in the foot . . . ." Singles already put themselves through enough spiritual hoops and hurdles self-examining the most microscopic spiritual deficiency as to why they are not married, must we do more to add to the confusion. There simply is no reason for singles to receive the brunt of the selective application of these concepts.

"As a lawyer, and often as a judicial clerk, my function has often been to foresee the confusion/damage that certain language can cause. Most of the singleness confusion can be directly traced back to a very convenient and fractured understanding of I Corinthians 7, apart from the rest of Scripture as a whole. But if that were not devastating enough, we have developed another layer of bad, bad subdoctrines like "idolatry of marriage," "contentment," "seeking the kingdom (i.e. through anything but marriage apparently), etc." In the present light, I believe that any repetitious interjection of words like "contentment," or "gratefulness," operate in the same fashion to often reduce singles into this kind of if ... then type of thinking toward marriage. Just like sloppy judicial writing, our Christianese and peculiar insistence of these terms being in a single person's glossary are likely going to be the subject of future misinterpretation.

"You both are good solid Christian singles, don't do any more disservice to yourselves or your fellow Christians by remaining on this road of hyper-spiritualization to and of marriage. The average Christian single needs to examine why they are repeatedly failing in the dating game, and either jumping ship to try another route with more predictable mechanisms, or shoring up in some practical areas to be more marriageable."

There is a "gift of singleness" after all! (But it doesn't mean unmarried and barren!)

2007-10-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

"I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them."
(Jeremiah 32: 39 NIV)

Ageing fathers (35+) risk the health of their offspring

2007-10-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Many thanks to the reader that highlighted this article which reveals the health risks associated with ageing fathers (eg. age 35).
We are well accustomed to the health risks of an ageing mother (another reality of God's design that is ignored by the "wait on the Lord" brigade).
But here, some startling research reveals the extent of the health risks to the child of a man who is no longer youthful.
It shouldn't be a surprise. The Bible tells us that the best time to marry is in our youth. We ignore that at our peril.
This should be a wake-up call to all men who suppose that they will get married and have children "one day", and are meanwhile running scared of commitment, preferring an unchallenging, half-life of continued "adultlescence", luxuriating in the devil's lie that they can take as much time as they like and still have a family of their own.
Bad news, boys. The male biological clock is ticking too...
Here are some extracts:

"Not only does male fertility decrease decade by decade, especially after age 35, but aging sperm can be a significant and sometimes the only cause of severe health and developmental problems in offspring, including autism, schizophrenia, and cancer. The older the father, the higher the risk. But what's truly noteworthy is not that infertility increases with age —to some degree, we've known that all along —but rather that older men who can still conceive may have such damaged sperm that they put their offspring at risk for many types of disorders and disabilities."

"Men thought they were getting off scot free, and they weren't. The birth defects caused by male aging are significant conditions that can cause a burden to families and society...We now know that men and women alike could be increasing the risk of infertility or birth defects by waiting too long to have children."

"In other words, by looking for perfection in your life before you conceive, there's a very real chance you'll have less perfect kids."

"...men 40 and older are nearly six times more likely to have offspring with autism than men under age 30. Other research shows that the risk of breast and prostate cancer in offspring increases with paternal age."

"Scientists have long known that advanced paternal age...played some role in fertility problems and birth defects. Yet because the reports mainly involved children who died before birth or who had extremely rare disorders, no one really rang the alarm. Now, with new studies linking the father's age to relatively frequent, serious conditions like autism, schizophrenia, and Down syndrome, the landscape is shifting."

"Women have unfairly borne the brunt of the blame for birth defects."

"The more ejaculations a man produces, the greater the chance for chinks to arise, leading to increased point mutation and thus increased infertility and birth defects."

Debbie Maken reveals the truth about the gift of singleness: "holy doublespeak/theologized serendipity"

2007-10-14T01:51:00.000-07:00

"Excellent point about the Jewish community's extensive network to pair young adults. But these kind of social networks only exist because that culture still holds the value that an individual should be married by a certain time. For example, Orthodox Jewish families pull out all stops when a child reaches 25; that matchmaker is called in pronto. As Christians, we no longer have those values and believe that a marriage, if and whenever, erected is a good viable marriage as any other. Christians do not believe in any normatives about marriage making thanks to the GoS ("gift of singleness") teachings; and hence, we do not have the infrastructure toward that goal. All we have is this holy doublespeak/ theologized serendipity to justify and explain away the many, many loose ends from an unpredictable mating scheme of dating. You will see the infrastructure changing as you see the dialogue ensuing about what constitutes a real marriage, and whether it needs to occur during a certain season (i.e. youth) to have viability as a real marriage."
(Debbie Maken's reply to a comment on her blog)

Childlessness - Not just a female curse

2007-10-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

'..."Record this man as if childless, a man who will not prosper in his lifetime..."'
(Jeremiah 22: 30)

"How to talk to a widower" by Jonathan Tropper

2007-10-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: I previously said that the article I linked to in my last post was excellent, but inadequately short! Maybe there is something there that is deeper than I previously realised? "But some loves must die, if they are not from God they are not really loves anyway."
Just my opinion, but I think love is in essence a connection. With unrequited love, perhaps it boils down to one person feeling a connection that actually isn't really there?
Two things come to mind, having just read the most amazing book, "How to talk to a widower" by Jonathan Tropper. It's fabulous - funny, poignant, insightful, hilarious and everyone must read it immediately!
A refrain that runs through it is: "I had a wife. Her name was Hailey. Now she's gone. And so am I."
It charts the course of the greiving and healing process in a very honest, raw and tragi/comic vein, and will have you in tears that alternate between laughter and loss.
But one thing it brought to mind is that death causes loss where there was a very real connection.
Unrequited love however brings about a loss where there actually maybe wasn't a connection? Something that is described I think in the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something.
Something to think about perhaps?

Unrequited love, singleness and hell - Yes there is a connection!

2007-10-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Excellent article here that I discovered while looking into this subject.
Here's just one line: "As the unity of man and woman in one flesh mirrors the image and likeness of God, so too the separation of man from woman conjures the cruelty and fragmentation of Hell." And another: "Unrequited love feels like death. In fact, there are times when death would seem preferable to the unrelenting pain and frustration. There are those, even in the Church, who would seek to minimize or make light of this most unique agony: “Oh, don’t worry about it! Women (or men) are like street cars, there’s another one along any minute!” Like Hell. I don’t think there is any other pain quite like that of unrequited love, especially when rejection is involved, although that might even be preferable to being strung along with hopes raised and dashed with punishing regularity. 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a wish fulfilled is the tree of life.' (Proverbs 13:12)"
Hmm - who'd have thought it? The article seems a little inadequately short.
But maybe sometimes knowing God understands is enough?

God, unrequited love, Christian women and singleness...

2007-10-06T03:31:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Following on from the last post, here are a few thoughts about the pain of unrequited love and protracted singleness.
The first thing to say is, is it any wonder that the pain of unrequited love is so deep, when you consider this:
"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned."
(Song of Songs: 7: 6-7)
I remember the words of a very wise man - although not a Christian (why is it that wisdom on this issue seems almost exclusively the preserve of non-believers or weak believers?) - whose wife had left him, describe the pain as being worse than if she had died. The loss is the same, but at least you don't have the rejection to deal with. And the thought that they are merrily getting on with their life, possibly even enjoying a new love.
We literally are playing with fire when we embark on "the dating game".
For a Christian woman of course the situation is compounded because she is not allowed to feel the pain of a lost love or singleness, but must "be content" and if she is approaching the end of her child-bearing years too because she has been wrongly advised to "wait on the Lord" for a husband, well...is it any wonder that single Christian women that are no longer young, are also leaving the church now? (Incidentally, this being content business has really been misunderstood in my opinion. Do we tell people that are starving that they should be content with their hunger? It's unthinkable! Likewise, we absolutely must NOT be content with a bad situation that we can do something about!)
I am not quite sure what the answer is really.
The best conclusions that can be drawn are, I think, the following:

If a single Christian woman reaches the age of 25 without a husband, she should begin looking outside of "church circles" for a believing man in the world. A man who has been alienated by wrong perceptions of "church", and which, in their wisdom, church leaders have not bothered much to put right for a whole generation of men (and women too incidentally, but the urgency is for men). This doesn't mean excluding the single men in church circles! But rather, not putting all your eggs in one basket! ;-)

She should not abandon the church corporate, but take a lot of what she is told about singleness with a very large pinch of salt. I would suggest that she doesn't say too much about how she is feeling, because she will just get a contentment lecture and won't be taken seriously. Instead say a little, and then primarily encourage leaders to read Debbie Maken's book, and also contact Christian Vision for Men to let that movement and the statistics they have provided, convince them of the need to outreach for men. But remember not to get frustrated! God has revealed there are scales over eyes on this issue, and they can only be removed through the spiritual - pray, pray, pray!

As far as how she conducts herself when out meeting men in the world, sexual purity is non-negotiable. And guess what? Most decent men will respect that. Shock horror, I know, as we are given the impression that men in the world will just want to go to bed with her. Yes, some will. She needs to be very firm on that score and if it means losing the relationship, that's a good thing. (Incidentally, it's worth remembering there are Christian men like this too!)

Another fallacy is that if she mentions that she would quite like to get married and have children, men will run a mile! Again, some will. Good riddance. But most men in the world, over about the age of 30 I would say, actually want the same thing themselves, and they find it refreshing to hear a woman say that's what she wants too. Refreshing not because women in the world don't want it. They do too, of course. It's how God made women! But they are too scared to admit it. Of course it mustn't be done in a needy, desperate way. (And if she is still young, there is no need for desperation anyway! That's another benefit to starting this new tactic in your mid-20s.) One possible opener is when discussing jobs. One might ask the other in conversation about what their ambition is, or where they would like to see themselves in five years' time. (Almost all job interviews ask something along these lines, so most men won't be floored by it!) That is then a good opportunity to give your career goals...and then add with a smile that really, you would actually quite like to be married and have a family too! That's all that needs to be said, nothing too heavy! I know of one woman who was at a secular singles party and said that to a guy. He hesitated for a moment and began looking around the party as if searching for something to change with subject with. Then about two minutes later (the shock of a woman saying this may make men gulp slightly!) he asked her if she had eaten because he was hungry and how would she feel about getting out of there and going for a meal instead? He paid too - a demonstration of how seriously he took his role as a man. (Not that money is the issue here. He could have suggested some ice cream, going for a coffee and some cake... It's the principle that matters. He wanted to get her out of there, and keep her to himself!)

As far as evangelising goes, I would suggest subtlety is the name of the game. Don't go on a mission to save the lost! That's too dangerous when emotions are entangled, and there is really no need when actually the number of men that are atheists or of other faiths in the western world are so small. No, choose the men that are believers, but are just not church goers. It's very easy to bring the subject up. Just say something along the lines of so, do you believe there is a spiritual side to life, or is this all there is then? That's usually a good opener that won't send anyone fleeing! It's appalling, but the perception of "Christianity" is so shockingly poor, that I wouldn't even suggest mentioning it up front. Too many people associate "Christianity" with a form of ungodly "churchianity" and that's dreadful. Talking instead about the "spiritual" will allow him to open up about his beliefs regarding God, without letting all the negatives associated with "church" get in the way! (Don't get me wrong here! I am not advocating dating a "spiritualist"! That is UTTERLY and COMPLETELY dangerous! I am just merely saying that mentioning the "spiritual" rather than the "religious" or "Christianity" is a way of finding out more. Oh I so hope and pray no one reading this misunderstands this! If in any doubt, and in need of clarification, please let me know!) I also don't believe it is being ashamed of the Gospel. Rather, it is being ashamed of "church" and what we have done to it, and we should rightfully be ashamed of that, in my view. In some ways, it reminds me of Paul when in Athens. (Acts 17: 22-34) You start on common ground, and then take it from there. Some sneered. Others wanted to find out more. But unlike Paul, I don't think this should all be done the first time you meet! What can (and must) be established early on is whether there is a faith that you can work with, or more accurately, that God can use you to work with. A faith of some sort in God - OUR God! Then let your faith show gradually - primarily through your actions and attitudes, before any so-called "Bible bashing"!

I hope some of this is helpful and I sincerely hope none of it is harmful. I pray that God will let these words fall uselessly to the ground if they are not right.

Debbie Maken: The Hurt of Protracted Singleness

2007-10-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

"Protracted singleness is perhaps one of the most hurtful things a single person will have to tolerate during adulthood."
(Debbie Maken "Getting Serious About Getting Married - Rethinking the gift of singleness")

The Contentment of Bachelors...

2007-10-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

"I was perfectly content with this easygoing life, making my own hours, hanging out with my buddies, falling in and out of love, and basically waiting for life to begin. Sure, I got lonely sometimes, sunny-Sunday-afternoon lonely, but until I met Hailey, I just never knew what I might be missing."
Extract from How to Talk to a Widower by Jonathan Tropper.

"Your faith has healed you"

2007-10-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Excellent article by Candice Watters about the need to pray boldly for marriage. Very refreshing in these days when much wringing of hands and agonising over whether or not marriage is "God's will" for an individual's life, accompanies any prayer for a spouse!
Here are a couple of extracts, but it really is worth reading it all:

When I was single, I used to pray for a husband like this, “Oh God, please don’t make me be single my whole life. I really want to be married. Oh I hope it’s not your will for me to be single. I don’t think I could do it! Please bring someone into my life soon, very soon. But help me to be patient in the meantime. And God, if you do want me to be single — but I hope you don’t — please give me the grace for it because I really don’t feel it. Did I mention how much I hope that’s not your will for me?”
I wish I had read about Bartimaeus back then. It wasn’t until recently that his story, recorded in Mark 10:46-52, leapt off the page.
When Bartimaeus, the blind beggar, heard that Jesus was approaching he shouted, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” The exclamation point emphasizes his volume. In a book known for economy of words and punctuation, it’s clear this was no timid request. Even as the crowd rebuked him, telling him to be quiet, the Bible says “he shouted all the more, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!”
His clamor was rewarded. When Jesus asked Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?” he replied, “Rabbi, I want to see.” He was frank about what he wanted — fully expecting healing. And he knew Jesus had the authority to do it, acknowledging Him as, “Jesus, Son of David.”
And Jesus did. “Immediately he received his sight,” the Bible reports. But it wasn’t his flattery, his neediness, or even his volume that made the difference. As Jesus said, “your faith has healed you.”

...

Suddenly I felt free to really pray. My requests looked totally different than before. No longer weighed down by doubts that what I wanted was good, I asked with confidence:
Lord you created me. And I believe you created me for marriage. I don’t know the timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married.
Then I thanked Him for what I believed He would do:
Thank you Lord for this strong desire you’ve placed in my heart. Thank you that you’ve already been where I’m headed and that you know what my future holds. Thank you for marriage and for my future mate. Please be with him and prepare His heart to do your will.

...

We know God designed us for relational intimacy — when Adam admitted his loneliness, God created Eve. After they were together in the garden, God said, “It is good.” Not long after that, He gave us marriage. It’s not a “social construct” but a gift from God. Some are called to celibate service, and they’re specially gifted to live that out. But the rest of us are called to marriage. Asking God for a mate is asking Him for something He created and called good. For those of us who are called to marriage, it’s nothing short of asking Him to give us what He wants us to have.

Comforting...

2007-10-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."
(Isaiah 41:10)

Prayer & Fasting For Men: Monday 1st October

2007-09-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

Captain Sensible writes: Christian Vision for Men is holding a national day of prayer and fasting for men in the UK on Monday 1st October.
Please pray for this movement and some important meetings they have coming up. Please also pray that we will see men committing and recommitting their lives to Christ in a huge outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
Thank you all for joining in, and if you're not in the UK, please join us in praying anyway, and for the men in your country too!

"Look at your troops - they are all women! The gates of your land are wide open to your enemies; fire has consumed their bars."
(Nahum 3:13)

Spiritual Abuse of Single Christian Women Still Going On - And It Must Stop

2007-09-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

"...when I asked some of the older women at church to pray for a husband for me and to support me when it sometimes gets lonely as a single living in a city away from my family, they told me that I was needy for wanting a relationship. That I needed to be a well adjusted women in order to be in a relationship. They told me that I needed to learn to be content. I am fairly content, but was left with compounded feelings of guilt for those moments when it does get a bit lonely. I felt enormously guilty for wanting a relationship, prayed earnestly for God to take away the desires for a relationship, and wished those desires would just go away. I really try very hard to not want a relationship, but find it very hard.

"It's so easy to forget that God wants us Christian women married and forming Christian families when we are told that God wants us single, and where it is stressed that we should prioritize praying for contentment over praying for spouses.

"...And at least I don't feel so guilty for praying for a husband now...

"...how rarely we single women hear words of encouragement, even from the church, that makes us feel anything other than very guilty for not being able to rid ourselves of a God-given desire for a husband."

(Comment left on A.N.Other blog)

Captain Sensible writes: When is this spiritual abuse of single Christian women going to stop? Let me re-phrase that, we need to get very serious about fighting this abuse before we do even more damage to Christian women and the entire Body of Christ. The battle is on...

Martin Luther: The Granddaddy of the "Marriage Mandate" Movement?

2007-09-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

"After God had made them male and female, he blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply' (Genesis 1:28). From this passage we may be assured that man and woman should and must come together in order to multiply... Hence, as it is not within my power not to be a man, so it is not my prerogative to be without a woman. Again, as it is not in your power not to be a woman, so it is not your prerogative to be without a man. For it is not a matter of free choice or decision but a natural and necessary thing, that whatever is a man must have a woman and whatever is a woman must have a man...
"'Be fruitful and multiply'... is more than a command, namely a divine ordinance which it is not our prerogative to hinder or ignore. Rather, it is just as necessary as the fact that I am a man, and more necessary than sleeping and walking, eating and drinking and emptying the bowels and bladder. It is a nature and disposition just as innate as the organs involved in it. Therefore, just as God does not command anyone to be a man or woman but creates them the way they have to be, so he does not command them to multiply but creates that so that they have to multiply. And wherever men try to resist this, it remains irresistible nonetheless and goes its way through fornication, adultery, and secret sins, for this is a matter of nature and not of choice."

(Martin Luther, "The Estate of Marriage", as quoted in Debbie Maken's "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness")